Crack Killz
by Kiheada.Ray.T
Summary: A crack fic. Basically a bunch of oneshots based off of extremely weird couples. First up: Shinn and Lacus. Yes, you read right. Please review, any suggestions are appreciated! Now complete! Sequel out: Crack Still Killz!
1. Chapter 1: Shinn and Lacus

**Crack Killz**

**Chapter 1: Shinn and Lacus-Attack Of The Evil Haros!**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own any characters from GS/D, but if I did things like this would happen!**

_Okay people, this is a crack fic, and I must remind you that CRACK KILLS! DON'T DO CRACK! Ahem, anyways, this is basically a bunch of one-shots with some very odd couples. Thus the name…anyways, first up on my list is… (Drum roll please)…SHINN AND LACUS! Crazy huh? Well, here we go!_

* * *

"Fields of hope," Lacus sang as she prepared lunch for her husband, Shinn. Said man was sitting on the couch watching TV.

Lacus began humming her latest hit single while Shinn was watching a war movie, he was at the part where stuff started exploding and people started dieing. Ironic, isn't it?

"Hey hun, are you sure you don't wanna watch this movie with me? It's getting to the good part!" Shinn called. "No thanks, I need to find the remaining Haros you haven't destroyed yet and hide them form you-I mean-clean the house!" she called back.

He twitched and she sweat dropped. "Uhhh, here you go honey! I love you!" she said and shoved the bowl of macaroni and cheese into his hands. Yum, mac and cheese!

He shrugged and started shoveling food into his mouth while watching people get blown up into a million pieces.

You'd think he'd be reminded of his family and how they died, but nope, Lacus took care of that! Can you say BRAINWASHED!? Oh yeah! Ahem, sorry.

Lacus continued humming as she searched their unnecessarily large mansion for the few haros Shinn hadn't destroyed yet. It wasn't because she still loved Athrun; she just thought they were cute and cuddly.

Shinn however thought they were evil and since Athrun made them they _had _to be evil and so he started smashing them all with a baseball bat after the pink one pounced on him, or so he said.

"I can't believe how he could think you little guys were evil! You're so cute!" Lacus said sweetly and cuddled with a blue haro. "Haro! Haro!" it called and blinked at her happily. She smiled and giggled.

"Now, where to hide you so he doesn't find and destroy you…?" She said to herself and looked around the room. "Aha! He never goes in the basement! I knew it was a good idea to make him afraid of monsters down there!" she said almost evilly as she ran down the stairs and into the basement and set the haro down on the cold ground.

"Haro! Haro!" it called out to her, afraid. "Don't worry, once I get more of you down here you guys can fix the place up and have a party! As long as Shinn-chan doesn't hear, of course!" she told it.

She walked back up the stairs and continued her search.

* * *

After half an hour she successfully saved five more haros and put them in the basement where they started bouncing around and "talking" to one another.

She let out a huge sigh of accomplishment and smiled to herself. She went back to the living room where Shinn's movie was ending.

She quietly picked up the empty bowl of food and went into the kitchen. She was washing it and humming again when she heard a shriek and a crash. She gasped when she heard the small mechanical voice shout, "Haro!"

She rushed into the living room to see Shinn grab his baseball bat and charge after a yellow haro while yelling.

"Wait! Shinn! Don't hurt Mr. Yellow!" she called and ran after him. She caught him in the small den with his bat raised as the yellow haro quivered in the corner.

"Shinn! Bad Shinn! Sit boy! Drop the bat! Drop it!" Lacus commanded like he was a dog. He turned around and raised an eyebrow, and then went back to raising his bat to slam down on the poor, helpless haro.

"Shinn!" Lacus screamed and hugged him from the back. "Lacus let go! Must destroy! DIE EVIL HARO!" he yelled. "Will you stop acting so childish!? It's just a small defenseless mechanical ball! It never did anything to hurt you!" she cried.

"That pink one attacked me! They all attacked me one time or another! They all must die!" he yelled and brought down the bat. "No!" Lacus cried again and stopped the bat with her hands.

"Lacus! Let me kill it!" he said angrily. "No! How could you think these cute little things were evil?" she asked and pouted. "Because they attacked me! When you're not around it's like they go into evil robot mode!" he told her.

"Oh well! That's no reason to bash it with a baseball bat! I'm ashamed of you, Shinn, I thought you knew better." She said and crossed her arms.

He twitched. "What do you mean? I'm a trained killing machine. Whether it's destroying a gundam, killing a natural, or bashing a haro, it makes no difference, I was trained to kill and that's what I'll do." He said calmly and almost robotically.

She sighed and slid her hand over her face. "Shinn, just leave the poor thing alone!" she begged. "It won't leave me alone! It broke the TV!" he whined like a child trying to blame the dog for knocking over the expensive vase.

Lacus groaned. "Shinn, how many times have I told you to calm down and think about things rationally? Find your peace, your center, focus on that, breathe deeply-You're not breathing deeply, I SAID BREATHE DEEPLY DARN IT!-Thank you, now, close your eyes and calm down, clear your mind, and give me the baseball bat." She told him.

He growled and then handed over the bat while glaring at the haro. "You shall pay with your life once she leaves to go shopping! Away!" he said, but he mouthed it differently so it was like watching a Japanese movie with English voiceovers. Then he pointed to the door and "flew" away.

Lacus watched with an odd expression and then slid her hand over her face again while sighing. "You'd think he'd be the most mature one out of all of us, but nope, he's the most childish." She said and picked up the yellow haro.

"I'm sorry about that Mr. Yellow; Shinn-chan is a little crazy. I'll put you in the basement with the others okay?" she told the mechanical ball of joy and destruction.

"Haro!" it said happily.

She hummed again as she set the haro down on the floor, she was halfway up the stairs when she twitched and looked back. There was only one haro in the basement; Mr. Yellow.

She slowly turned and looked up, and sure enough, there went Mr. Pink, leading the rest of the haros to "Find and destroy Shinn", as they said in their mechanical little voices.

She gasped and ran the rest of the way up to see them bouncing towards the room Shinn was currently in.

"EEEK!" she squeaked and ran after them. "Mr. Pink! Come with me back into the basement! Mr. Blue, Mr. Red, Mr. Purple, please come back with me!" she called after them.

"No way, must destroy Shinn! Must destroy Shinn! Shinn must die! Must destroy Shinn!" they chanted and continued bouncing toward the room where the unknowing man was head-banging and playing air-guitar to the rock blaring over the radio.

She was at the door of the room and screamed, "SHINN LOOK OUT!" right before the haros pounced on him. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed like a girl as the haros piled on top of him.

When the dust cleared all Lacus could see of her beloved and crazy husband was a twitching arm amidst a pile of colorful haros.

"Oh dear! Haros! Bad haros! Back to the basement! All of you! You've done a very bad thing!" she chastised them and they bounced sadly back to the basement.

Shinn's arm was still twitching and his eyes were swirling around and his mouth was open.

"Shinn, are you okay?" she asked softly as she knelt beside him and helped him sit up.

He shook his head a few times and then looked normal. He blinked. He looked at her. She tried to smile at him reassuringly. He blinked again.

"Who are you?" he asked with a blank expression.

"Uhhh, I'm your wife, Lacus." She replied uneasily with an unsure expression. He blinked again.

"What's a Lacus?" he asked again and blinked innocently.

Lacus did an anime face-drop and laid there twitching. He poked her. "Hello?" he asked. Just then a Haro appeared at the door, it was Mr. Pink.

"Why is it twitching?" Shinn asked Mr. Pink. "I dunno, wanna go play?" it asked in its mechanical voice. "Sure!" Shinn replied and got up.

"Bye, I'm Your Wife Lacus! Have fun twitching on the ground like road kill! I'm off to play with the wonderfully joyous haros who wouldn't hurt a fly!" he called to her and then skipped off with the other haros.

Lacus still lay there, twitching. It was quiet for a while until she heard a yelp and then: "STUPID EVIL HAROS! DIE! YOU BRAINWASHING, MANIPULATING, LACUS-KILLING, TWO-FACED LITTLE MONSTERS FROM HELL!!!! CURSE YOU ATHRUN ZALA FOR BUILDING THESE ACCURSED BALLS OF CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION!!!!!"

'_Oh Lord.' _

And we all know Athrun is snickering in a nearby bush, grinning to himself and rubbing his hands together evilly like an angry, angry scientist!!!!

OH NO! WATCH OUT FOR THE HAROS! THEY'RE COMING FOR ME!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! BAD EVIL HAROS!!!!! STAY AWAY!!!!!! LACUS!!!!!!!!!! CURSE YOU ATHRUN ZALA!!!!!! CRACK KILLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!

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**-Author's Note: Ahem (coughing). Soooo, was that funny or what??? I know, cracktastically delicious is more like it, but you can tell me what you think by pressing the purple button, see it? In the corner? It wants you to press it, you must do what it commands or a pack of evil haros will attack you! OH NO! THEY'RE COMING FOR ME AGAIN!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!-**


	2. Chapter 2: Kira and Meyrin

**Chapter 2: Kira and Meyrin-Crazy Fangirls Shouldn't Get Married**

**Disclaimer:**** Once again, I don't own any characters from GS/D. Enjoy the randomness.**

* * *

"Hey Kiiiiraaa!!" Meyrin called for her husband while running around their ginormous mansion. Kira was hiding from her because she was acting extremely crazy that day; she always acted crazy and overly-obsessed with him, but today was different. She was just plain crazy today.

"Now where did he go!? All I did was hug him tightly and make him swear to never divorce me or I'd crush him with the gundam I stole from Zaft last year! Oh Kira! KIIIIRRRAAAA!!!" she called again and ran down the stairs.

Kira gulped because he was hiding underneath the cupboard like in Harry Potter.

"Hey man, get your own closet underneath the stairs!" Harry said in his British accent and pushed Kira into the hallway, right into Meyrin.

"Uhhh, hey honey!" Kira said nervously. "There you are!!! Don't ever hide form me again! I thought you ran away and got killed or something! I'll never loose anyone ever again! DO YOU HEAR ME!? NEVER AGAIN!!!!" she said demonically and held onto him tightly.

"Can't….breathe….Mey….let…go…gasp!" Kira gasped as his face turned blue and purple. "How come you're turning blue? Oh wait, now you're turning purple! Yay colors!!!" Meyrin said and giggled happily.

"I CAN'T BREATHE!!" Kira exclaimed with the last of his breath and then fainted. Meyrin gasped. "KIRA!!! WAKE UP!!! DON'T DIE ON ME!!!! YOU'RE STILL ON WARRANTY!!! I DEMAND A REFUND!!! KIRA!!!!" she yelled and shook him harshly.

His tongue was hanging out of his mouth and his eyes had skulls and crossbones in them.

"Skulls and Crossbones? First you turn colors and then your eyes have skulls and crossbones in them! Are you a robot!? OH MY GOSH! MY HUSBAND IS A ROBOT!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!" she screamed and ran away.

Kira fell down, still unconscious, BUT ALIVE!!!! WAHAHA HE SHALL NEVER DIE!!! I mean seriously, how can you survive being exploded TWICE!?

"LUNA!!! KIRA IS A ROBOT!!! HE TURNED BLUE AND PURPLE AND NOW HIS EYES HAVE SKULLS AND CROSSBONES IN THEM!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO!?" Meyrin screamed into the phone when her sister answered.

Luna didn't respond for a few seconds, so Meyrin was about to scream the whole thing over again when Luna finally answered.

"First of all, STOP SCREAMING! Second of all, Kira isn't a robot, you probably squeezed him too tight and made him faint like you always do, I'm telling you Mey, if you keep treating him like a rag doll you're going to end up killing him!" Luna told her.

"Kill him? KILL HIM!? OH MY GOSH! DO YOU THINK I KILLED HIM!? OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH! MY HUSBAND IS DEAD! I'M A WIDOW! I STILL DEMAND A REFUND!!! DARN YOU HOME DEPOT!!!" she screamed again like a total spazz.

"MEYRIN! STOP SPAZZING LIKE STELLAR! YOU'RE NOT AN EXTENDED EVEN THOUGH YOU WISH YOU ARE! YOU'RE JUST A CRAZY LADY! SO SHUT UP!" Luna yelled at her.

Meyrin started crying then. Luna sighed and then hung up as Meyrin wailed overdramatically. Cats screeched and hissed, running away to go dig through another garbage can, and finally the man next door threw a can of beer at her and she fell over, eyes swirling like Shinn's in the last chapter with her tongue hanging out.

So, Kira and Meyrin were both unconscious, what's the worse that could happen to them???

* * *

_Four hours later..._

Meyrin sat up and groaned, she put her arms out in front of her and stood up, groaning and acting like a zombie.

"AHHH!!! IT'S ALIVE!! RUN MAN!!! THE ZOMBIE LADY'S GONNA EAT YOU!!!" some punk kid screamed and ran with his buddies, carrying bags of…..stuff.

"Wha? I'm not a zombie! Hey, WHAT WERE YOU KIDS DOING IN MY HOUSE!!!" Meyrin screamed and shook her fist at them as they rode their second-hand bikes away as their puny legs could pedal.

She looked around with extremely unrealistic wide eyes. It took her a few seconds for her brain to register that the kids in her house were actually robbing her of all her valuable possessions.

"Oh my gosh…..OH MY GOSH! I'VE BEEN ROBBED! MY ROBOT HUSBAND DIED AND A MAN THREW A CAN OF BEER AT ME AND THEN I WAS ROBBED!!! WHY!? WHYYYY!!???" she screamed again.

Just then she heard more groaning and slowly turned to look wildly at Kira who also looked like a zombie.

She took a big breath and then……..

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY DEAD HUSBAND IS A ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!!! HE'LL EAT ME ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" she screamed and ran away.

Kira rubbed his eyes and looked around. His hair was a mess and his eyes had black circles under them, his face was still somewhat purple-ish and his clothes were set askew over his lithe and feline-like body. Plus his skin looked paler than usual.

"Huh, I wonder why she started screaming like that. I'm certainly not a robot and I only fainted. Oh well, I'd better call Luna and tell her that her crazy little sister is on the loose again. Hopefully those nice men in white jackets could take her away for a while like they did last time." He said to himself and trudged over to where the phone was supposed to be.

"Hmm? Where's the phone? And where's…..the rest of MY HOUSE!!! OH MY GOSH! I'VE BEEN ROBBED!!!!! WHAT THE FREAK MEYRIN YOU CRAZY LADY!!!! GET BACK HERE AND TELL ME WHERE THE PHONE IS!!!" Kira screamed and ran out of the house and after Meyrin.

Shinn was in the front yard playing with the Haros when he saw Meyrin screaming and running down the street.

"Hello crazy zombie lady!!!" he called after her and waved while smiling. "Haro! Haro! Meyrin went crazy again!" Mr. Pink said and bounced up and down.

They continued playing catch until they heard Kira scream and then run past them after Meyrin.

"Hi crazy zombie man!!! Wow, there's a lot of crazy zombies running around, are you sure it's safe out here my little haro friends??" Shinn asked them.

They looked at each other and then Mr. Pink ATTACKED SHINN AGAIN!!! I think the pink one is the most evil of all, it's the evil leader!!!

Mr. Pink threw itself at Shinn while eh was waving to Kira and hit him on the side of the head. When Shinn recovered he looked at the haros and…..

"STUPID EVIL HAROS! DIE! YOU BRAINWASHING, MANIPULATING, LACUS-KILLING, TWO-FACED LITTLE MONSTERS FROM HELL!!!! CURSE YOU ATHRUN ZALA FOR BUILDING THESE ACCURSED BALLS OF CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION!!!!!"

Is it just me or is there a theme going on here???

AHHHH!!! NOT AGAIN!!!! STOP FOLLOWING ME!!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ATHRUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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**-Author's Note: Woot! Two chapters in one day! Oh yeah!! I might be able to squeeze in another one!! Woohoo! Anyways, please review and tell em what you think because I'd love to know if you guys like it or not. And yes Meyrin was being her crazy fan girl self obsessing over Kira like she obsessed over Athrun. Don't worry, he shall pay soon…very soon…wahaha!!! Ahem, peace!-**


	3. Chapter 3: Rey and Luna

**Chapter 3: Rey and Luna-Mr. Gloom Meets Mrs. Sunshine!**

**Disclaimer:**** Must I say it again??**

**Rey: Yes, so hurry up!**

**Me: Jeez, where's the fire??**

**Rey: IN MY PANTS!**

**Me: …. (Sweat drop)……Me no ownage….I need to take a shower and puke now. Excuse me……**

* * *

Rey squinted his eyes shut tightly as Luna pulled open the curtains. "Good morning Rey! The birds are chirping and the sun is shining! What a wonderful day today is!" Luna said happily and twirled around.

"Ugh, it's too early. Must sleep." Rey mumbled groggily. "Nonsense! It's already 9:30! Now get up so we can have a nice breakfast!" she stated and threw the covers off of him.

"9:30!? What the freak!? You're waking me up at 9:30!?" Rey yelled at her and looked at the clock; it was true, nine-freaking-thirty in the morning. Freaking morning person!

"Yes! NOW GET DRESSED AND MARCH YOURSELF DOWN TO THE DINIGN ROOM BEFORE I GET MY FANCY LEATHER WHIP AND BULL HORN!!!!" she screamed and he scrambled out of bed to throw on some clothes and speed downstairs.

She smiled to herself and skipped back down the stairs happily. She sat daintily at the table, said a prayer, and then began eating while Rey eyed the food before him.

Luna had made two eggs and some bacon in the shape of a smiley face. How cliché can you get???

"What? Isn't it cute!?" she asked and fluttered her lashes. "I preferred the skull and crossbones from yesterday." He replied dryly. "WELL TOO BAD MISTER! NOW EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!" she yelled again and then went back to eating as if nothing happened.

He raised an eyebrow and shrugged, stabbing the eggs with his fork and shoving them in his mouth. They ate in silence as the birds chirped outside and the sun smiled at them while wearing its cool black shades…..hey, this is a crack fic, if Harry Potter can push Kira out of a broom closet the sun can wear black sunglasses!!!!!!

"Those birds are going to die a horribly gruesome death if they don't quit squawking!" Rey finally yelled as he slammed his fork down on the table and glared deathly at the birds chirping in the tree outside their window.

"Rey!" Luna gasped as the birds squawked and flew away. "That wasn't very nice!" she told him. "So." he said and chewed on the bacon ravenously.

She sighed and then washed the dishes while Rey put in a war movie he and Shinn saw at the move theatre not too long ago.

"Why are you watching that!? I wanted to go to the beach or to the park or something!" Luna said after she was done. "Well, I don't, I want to watch this movie." He replied, eyes glued to the screen.

Ha, I bet you thought I'd say "Literally" well, THEY'RE NOT!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Okay back to the crack fic!

Luna sighed. "But didn't you and Shinn just see that at the theatre not long ago? I didn't even know it was out yet!" she asked. "It's not; I stole it from the theatre." Rey replied casually.

Her jaw dropped. "YOU STOLE IT FROM THE MOVIE THEATRE! REY! THAT'S ILLEGAL! YOU COULD GO TO JAIL IF THEY FIND OUT!" she screamed.

"They're not going to if you'll keep your big mouth shut, besides, I killed a few people the other day and stole all their money, and I also hijacked a plane and crashed it into the empire state building." He told her still casually.

She twitched and her jaw remained dropped, a fly flew inside her mouth and she started choking.

"Now go get me some beer!" he yelled after she stopped choking. She growled and muttered some colorful words I won't write down here while she trudged into the kitchen.

She opened the refrigerator and then the phone rang. She sighed and then answered it to hear her little sister screaming some nonsense about Kira being a robot and dieing after turning blue and purple.

She pulled the phone away from her ear and tried to stop the ringing before replying that; first Meyrin should stop screaming, and second Kira wasn't a robot and that she probably squeezed him too tight.

"I'm telling you Mey, if you keep treating him like a rag doll you're going to end up killing him!" Luna told her.

"Kill him? KILL HIM!? OH MY GOSH! DO YOU THINK I KILLED HIM!? OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH! MY HUSBAND IS DEAD! I'M A WIDOW! I STILL DEMAND A REFUND!!! DARN YOU HOME DEPOT!!!" Meyrin screamed again.

"MEYRIN! STOP SPAZZING LIKE STELLAR! YOU'RE NOT AN EXTENDED EVEN THOUGH YOU WISH YOU ARE! YOU'RE JUST A CRAZY LADY! SO SHUT UP!" Luna yelled at her.

Then she started crying so Luna just hung up. Rey didn't hear anything and when Luna returned with a beer he growled and chucked it out the window.

"Damn cats. GET ME ANOTHER BEER WOMAN!!!" he bellowed and she restrained herself from strangling him and got him another beer.

"I'm gonna call the girls and see if they wanna go to the mall since you obviously don't want to hang out with me." She grumbled and picked up the phone.

"Whatever." He replied and continued watching the movie; it was almost over anyway so he could care less.

"Hey Lacus, would you like to go to the mall with me?" Luna asked and twirled the cord that connected the phone to the answering machine.

"Sorry, but I have to find the rest of the haros so Shinn doesn't destroy them all. Honestly, I don't know why he hates them so much, he says they're evil! How can such cute things be evil!? And besides, Athrun made them, and I doubt he'd try to kill me with them!" Lacus said.

"Oh, okay then, good luck." Luna replied and hung up.

Then she dialed Stellar's number. "Hey Stellar, would you like to go to the mall with me?" she asked. "Sure! Athrun is planning an evil scheme with the haros he built for Lacus-sama, so Stellar has nothing to do! Stellar will be over there soon!" the Extended replied and hung up.

Luna looked at her phone weirdly and shrugged. "Not my problem." She said and got her purse before sitting on the couch and waiting for Stellar to come.

The movie was finally over and the phone rang again. Luna got up while Rey was putting the DVD back in its case.

"Hey, is Rey there?" Shinn asked. "Yeah, hold on." Luan said boredly. "Rey its Shinn!" she called and Rey took the phone.

"What's up?" Rey asked. "You still got that war movie you stole from the theatre?" Shinn asked shadily. "Yeah, you wanna watch it? I just got finished watching it myself." Rey said and laughed.

"Oh, I was actually wondering if you'd wanna watch it with me, but I can just pick it up and give it back to you later." Shinn replied. "Okay. Come on over. Luna wants to go to the mall with some of her girl-friends." Rey said and snorted.

"Oh, weird, I think she called Lacus-san just a few minutes ago, well, I'll be over in a few minutes then!" Shinn said and they hung up.

Just then the doorbell rang. "Wow that was fast." Rey commented. "It's Stellar, baka." Luna grumbled. "I'm going to ignore that since you're PMSing." he replied and laughed when she growled at him.

Stellar was still ringing the doorbell and giggling when Luna opened the door. "Um, Stellar, you can stop ringing the doorbell now." Luna said sweetly and Stellar blinked at her and then smiled.

"Luna!" she squealed and hugged her. "Yes hello Stellar, let's go." Luna replied and they got in her car and drove to the mall.

When Rey saw Luna drive away he rubbed his hands together and got out his shotgun.

"Here birdies, where'd ya go." He called and looked around outside. He saw a kitty licking its paw and smirked.

"Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

_BAM!_

_MEOW!_

_BAM!_

_SQUAWK!_

_BAM!_

"_OOOOWWWWWW!!!!! MY LEG!!!!!"_

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"

I wonder who Rey shot??? I guess we'll just have to find out in the next chapter!!!!

YAY NO EVIL HAROS!!!!!!!!!

"Har! Haro! ATTACK!!!"

NOOOOOOO EVIL HAROS!!!! WHY'D I HAVE TO OPEN MY BIG STUPID MOUTH!!!! DIE ATHRUN!!!!!!!!!

* * *

**-Author's Note: Okay so I lied, these aren't exactly one-shots, but I couldn't help it!!! I got an idea!!! A BRILLIANT IDEA!!! Ahem, okay enough screaming for at least one second……PEACE OUT!!!!! Also remember to review please!!!-**


	4. Chapter 4: Athrun and Stellar

**Chapter 4: Athrun and Stellar-NEVER MAKE HAROS EVIL OR THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!**

**Disclaimer:**** (sighs) ME NO OWN!!! Ow, my throat is hoarse because of all the screaming. Curse you Athrun Zala! You shall pay!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Athrun: (slaps me)**

**Me: Thanks…..wait…..DIE!!!!!!!!**

* * *

Athrun Zala smirked to himself as he sat at his computer. He had opened the files about the haros he made and was working on reprogramming them. He was feeling very evil for some reason that morning.

"Athrun, Stellar hungry." Stellar said at his doorway. Athrun slammed his laptop shut. "Okay dear, I'll make us some lunch." He replied.

"Yay!" Stellar said happily and clapped her hands. Athrun smiled and kissed her before leading her to the dining room.

"What would Stellar like to eat?" he asked and went into the kitchen. "Cheeseburger! No, pizza! No, a hotdog! No, POTATOES!!!!" she exclaimed and giggled.

"Um, okay dear, wait at the table while I make your, erm, lunch." He replied and prepared a cheeseburger pizza cradling a hotdog with a side of mashed potatoes.

You gotta admit, the guy has one wild imagination and some really good ideas! Except the evil haros…..that's just not right…you hear me!!??? NOT RIGHT!!!!!

"SHUT UP!!!!" Athrun yelled at me. I growl at him and make an anvil drop on his head.

_SLAM!_

"Owwww," Athrun groaned. "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!!!!" I yell and then continue with the chapter.

"Stellar hungry!!! FEED STELLAR!!!!" Stellar yelled and Athrun wobbled out of the kitchen with a large plate. Luckily the food and plate was miraculously spared from the random anvil dropping.

"YAY!!! STELLAR LIKES FOOD!! THANK YOU ATHRUN!!!!" Stellar screamed and began eating. "Uh sure, you're welcome." He replied and wobbled back to his room.

He had a surveillance system in everyone's house because he was creepy like that and saw Lacus trying to save the haros he made for her.

"Well, at least SOMEONE cares about my precious mechanical balls and joy and destruction-I mean-joy!" he said and sweat dropped as I glared at him.

Then he saw Shinn laughing maniacally as people were getting blown up.

"You'd think he'd be reminded of his family and how they died, but somehow Lacus brainwashed all those memories out of him, and also made him afraid of the basement. I told her it's be a good idea, since now she can keep the haros in there because Shinn's too scared of going down there!! WAHAHAHAHA!!!!" he said and also laughed maniacally.

"Athrun? Why are you laughing like a crazy man?? Stellar doesn't like it when Athrun laughs like that!" Stellar called up to him.

"Uh, sorry hun!!!" Athrun called back and scowled. "Now to destroy Shinn!" he said and laughed quietly while he triggered the haros to turn evil because he saw Shinn "fly" into a room and turn up the music.

"That kid is seriously weird." He said as he replayed the scene where Shinn was mouthing in Japanese and then "flew" out of the room and into the next.

"If he wasn't so rebellious he'd be funny." Athrun said to himself. "Athrun? Why are you talking to yourself? ONLY STELLAR GETS TO TALK TO HERSELF!!!" Stellar yelled at him.

He growled and said, "Fine! I'm going to watch Shinn get destroyed by my evil haros!!!" and stormed out of the house.

Stellar watched him leave and then saw what was on his computer. Now, any normal wife would be shocked to find that her husband not only had cameras in everyone's house in just about every room, but he also triggered the haros he built for Lacus to go evil and try to destroy Shinn!

But not Stellar. She simply shrugged and said, "Stellar will wait until Luna calls and asks her to go to the mall with her. That would be fun. Stellar likes going to the mall."

So she skipped downstairs and sat by the phone until Luna called. "Hey Stellar, would you like to go to the mall with me?" Luna asked.

"Sure! Athrun is planning an evil scheme with the haros he built for Lacus-sama, so Stellar has nothing to do! Stellar will be over there soon!" the Extended replied and hung up.

She grabbed her purse and skipped over to Luna's house that was only a few houses away.

When she got there she rang the doorbell and heard the musical noises coming from the house.

"Ooooo." She said in awe and kept pushing the shiny button that made the house sing.

She didn't notice Luna was there until the girl said, "Um, Stellar, you can stop ringing the doorbell now."

She glanced up and gasped. "Luna!" she squealed and hugged her friend. "Yes, hello Stellar, let's go." Luna said and they got in her car and drove to the mall.

* * *

"Ooo, big building, Stellar like big building!" Stellar said and giggled as they walked around the mall.

"Hey look, Victoria's Secret. Wanna get something sexy for Athrun??" Luna asked and wiggled her eyebrows.

Stellar looked confused and just blinked at her. Luna sighed and smacked her head. "Come on, let's try some stuff on." She said and pulled Stellar into the small shop.

They tried on some lingerie, but they had to leave because naturally Stellar wanted to run around with the lingerie on without paying. So after Luna figured out what Stellar liked and how much of it she could afford, they paid and went to a different store.

"This is fun! Stellar is glad Luna took her to the mall!" Stellar said happily as she skipped around in her lingerie. Some men and teenagers were staring at her while mothers were covering their children's eyes and glaring at them.

"Come on; let's get you some new clothes okay?" Luna asked and dragged her to a clothing store.

They went through the same routine but this time Stellar had some respectable clothes on, but the guys still stared.

"Luna, how come all the male species in the vicinity of Stellar keep staring at Stellar and grinning at her?" Stellar asked.

"Uhhh, they think you're pretty, that's a good thing!" Luna replied. "Then how come that bald male species with the raggedy clothes and dirty beard keeps staring at Stellar, does he think I'm pretty too?" Stellar asked and pointed to a crazy hobo that was stalking them.

"Uhhh, let's go home now! I'm sure Athrun is worried about you!" Luna replied and dragged Stellar out of the store and into her car.

"Actually Athrun is watching as Shinn tries to destroy the haros he built for Lacus-sama." Stellar replied as Luna sped away from the mall and crazy hobo.

"Okay then, we should be worried about them now shouldn't we?" Luna said. "Yep, Athrun is crazy. He laughed like a crazy man but it scared Stellar, and then he went over to Shinn and Lacus-sama's house." Stellar replied almost happily and stared out the window.

Luna stared uneasily at her and continued driving home.

* * *

When they arrived at Luna's house she saw Meyrin screaming and running and slapped her forehead again.

"Why does Luna keep slapping herself?" Stellar asked her. Luna sighed and shook her head and went inside to call the Mental Institution.

Then she heard Kira scream and run after Meyrin also yelling. Stellar giggled and pointed at him because he looked weird.

Luna waited for someone at the Crazy House to answer, but when they did she heard Shinn scream, "STUPID EVIL HAROS! DIE! YOU BRAINWASHING, MANIPULATING, LACUS-KILLING, TWO-FACED LITTLE MONSTERS FROM HELL!!! CURSE YOU ATHRUN ZALA FOR BUILDING THESE ACCURSED BALLS OF CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION!!!"

"Hello? Do we need to send the nice white men in white jackets?" someone said over the phone.

_BAM!_

_MEOW!_

_BAM!_

_SQUAWK!_

_BAM!_

"_OWWWWW!!!! MY LEG!!!!!!"_

"_WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"_

She twitched and dropped the phone. Stellar giggled and clapped her hands. Luna walked outside to see Shinn chasing a bunch of colorful haros, Athrun limping back to his house while cursing her husband, and Rey laughing and pointing at him.

Meyrin and Kira came running back and then fainted again after the sight, and Luna picked up the phone again.

"Yes, we need a lot of nice men with white jackets. Please hurry before I too go insane." She said and hung up.

"I think you'd better go make sure Athrun is okay, Stellar. I'm going to take some Tylenol and try to remember this day as a bad dream." Luna said.

"Okay, Stellar will go see if Athrun is okay." Stellar replied and skipped up to her husband.

"Is Athrun okay?" she asked him. "No…I'm…not…Rey…just…shot…me…in…the…LEG!" Athrun said through clenched teeth.

"Okay, but the nice men in white jackets are coming for us, so you'll be okay soon. Luna is going to take some Tylenol, Rey is going to help Kira find the punks who robbed him and Meyrin and kill them, Lacus is going to give Shinn his Happy Pills, Stellar is going to draw a weird picture to freak out the cops, and Athrun should burn his computer if he doesn't want to get arrested." Stellar said.

Athrun blinked up at her and shook his head.

"I swear this is one weird story. Crazy kids with their stupid problems. Stupid crazy authoress who made me get shot," Athrun grumbled as he crawled back to his house while Stellar smiled and waved at him.

* * *

**-Author's Note: Okay, so that's the end of PART 1!!!! No this fic isn't over yet, there's going to be more stories with more weird couples, any suggestions are welcomed! Please review and tell me what you think! Oh look, it's the nice men in white jackets! What? NO! NOT ME! THEM!!! TAKE THEM!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!! I DON'T BELONG IN A CRAZY HOUSE!!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!-**


	5. Chapter 5: Yzak and Fllay

**Chapter 5: Yzak and Fllay-Misery Loves Company**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own these crazy people, but the cracktastically delicious plot for this fic is of my doing, wahaha…This chappy will undoubtedly have lots of swearing, so BEWARE!! You've been warned. Also, Fllay-lovers, back away slowly…**

* * *

The next day, Yzak sat in his house in the neighborhood across the street from the others. He was cleaning his guns and knives, and his whore-ish wife was no where to be found.

"Damn whore, always selling herself on the corner to crazy hobos. One day she'll realize she has a sassy, sexy, and sly husband at home who'd do her anytime!" Yzak was mumbling as he cleaned a long and pointy gun.

"Honey! I'm home!" came an annoyingly high-pitched voice as Fllay announced her arrival like she was the Queen of England.

"That's nice, how much money did you make this time?" he asked sarcastically. She came down to the basement where he was and slouched seductively against the doorframe.

She was wearing a black, see-through lingerie top with a red bra and a too-short skirt with red pumps. She had on bright red lipstick and her oddly-colored-looks-more-like-someone-puked-up-blood-red-hair was tasseled.

Yeah, she looked normal.

"I made fifty bucks from that crazy hobo, you know, for being homeless, he sure does have a lot of money." She said.

Yzak gave her a weird look. "Then he's probably not a real hobo! Stupid hoe, one of these days you're gonna to get kidnapped and raped and don't come whinin' to me when ya do!" he said and scowled.

"Awww, does wittle Yzak need to have some fun?" she asked seductively and ran her hands all over him.

"Quit feeling me up while I'm trying to clean my guns woman!" he yelled and she stuck her tongue out at him. "I told you not to stick that thing out unless you're going to lick my balls! Now get out of here!" he yelled again and shooed her away.

She left with a flick of her hair and sauntered up the stairs in her insanely-high red heels….

…Then she tripped. Hehehe. You knew that was coming.

She let out a stream of obscenities that made Yzak very proud. After pulling herself up and putting the toilet paper back in her bra she trudged upstairs and tried not to trip again.

Yzak smirked and continued cleaning his precious guns and knives, when he got through he felt that something was off.

He laid out all his weapons and counted them twice. One, two, four, eight, seven, six, twenty-nine, eighty-seven, three, five, seven, ninety-nine…

Yep, his lucky number thirteen was missing! NOOOOO!!!!

_BAM!_

"WAHAHAHA!!!"

No, this is not from the incident where Rey was shooting everything in sight.

"DAMN YOU WOMAN! GIMME BACK MY LUCKY THIRTEEN SNIPER RIFLE!!" Yzak bellowed and ran upstairs.

Fllay was holding (or at least trying to hold) Yzak's Lucky Thirteen Sniper Rifle. She had an even crazier look in her eyes than normal and she was laughing like a cartoon-ish evil person.

"Put my gun down, NOW!" Yzak roared. "No! You never give me the respect I deserve! You're always bossing me around and making me feel stupid! And you never give me the respect I deserve!" she yelled and pointed the gun at him…although the barrel was actually pointed at her chest… (Whistling)

Yzak resisted the urge to slap himself. "Fllay, you're a –freaking- street corner whore! You have an IQ of ten, and if you pull the trigger on that thing you're gonna blast yourself to bits!!" he yelled at her.

Her bottom lip quivered and her eyes were shining with tears. "That's because you won't let me get a decent job you sexist pig!!! Men are supposed to love and support the women they love!!" she yelled back and started to cry.

"WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?! THAT SENSITIVE LITTLE CRY BABY KIRA YAMATO!?" he yelled back. And then I dropped an anvil on him because Kira isn't a crybaby anymore! He's a sexy beast…rawr…

"WHO PUT THIS STUPID ANVIL HERE!?" he yelled again.

"QUIT YELLING!" Fllay yelled back. Then he yelled an obscenity that I don't need to write down because you all know what it is.

"That's it! DIE MOTHER-," she screamed and pulled the trigger…

* * *

_The next day…_

"We are gathered here today to pay tribute to a street corner whore who was married to a Highly Honorable Zaft Official." The priest said after reading the note that Yzak slipped him.

Everyone showed up, but I'm not going to tell you who they are because I'm going to hold a contest once this whole thing is over, so HA! IN YOUR FACE!

"This woman was in need of spiritual guidance, just like all the rest of you. But at least you haven't killed yourself while trying to kill your husband…yet." The priest continued.

"But honestly, you'd think after being involved with the Earth Alliance and Zaft that she'd know the proper way to handle a gun! I mean come on! It was a Sniper Rifle for crying out loud! How can you shoot yourself with a sniper rifle!?" the priest burst.

There were a few muffled chuckles amongst the black-clothed-supposed-mourners.

"Luckily, we were able to gather as much of her body as possible, although a few important pieces are still missing." The priest said and all eyes went to Yzak. He gave them the Death Glare of DOOM and they all looked away and started whistling.

The priest hit his pulpit with a mallet he stole from the judge. "THIS IS A FUNERAL PEOPLE! YOU DON'T WHISTLE AT A FUNERAL! WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MOURNING THE DEAD!" he shrieked.

Everyone got silent. Then a cricket started making noises so Yzak killed it.

_Cricket…cricket…crick-CRUSH!_

"Now, let's get this whore six feet under so I can go back to playing strip poker with the nuns!" the priest said and the guys slowly lifted Fllay's casket into the ground…

…But it fell down with a loud _CRASH! _anyway.

"PARTY AT MY HOUSE!" Yzak shouted and they all went to his house to party because they all secretly hated Fllay.

After a long night of drunken pranks, dirty dancing, breaking things, laughing about the color blue, pinning the tail on Yzak, more drunken pranks, and at least everyone having sex and then eventually having an orgy, they all left Yzak to clean up the house.

"Tch, screw this, it isn't my house anyway!" Yzak said and left too. So…whose house was it??? If you figure it out I'll dedicate the next story to you!

* * *

_Later that night…_

Yzak was sleeping soundly on his bed, sprawled all over it to be exact, until…

"HOW DARE YOU SLEEP SOUNDLY WHEN I'M ROTTING IN HELL?! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KEPT SOME OF MY BODY YOU PERVY LITTLE FREAK! AND THEN YOU HAD A PARTY! AS IN CELEBRATING MY DEATH! I SWEAR AS LONG AS I'M A GHOST I'LL HAUNT YOU AND MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL UNTIL YOU JOIN ME DOWN HERE YOURSELF!"

"DAMN YOU WOMAN!!!" Yzak cursed and let out another stream of obscenities after he fell out of the bed and onto the cold hard floor.

…NO EVIL HAROS!!!!!

"Haro! Haro!"

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

**-Author's Note: Hiya! Was that good or what!? This is the beginning of Part Two! If anyone can guess who the priest was and whose house everyone wrecked before the next chapter comes out I'll dedicate it to YOU! YAY! Well, please review, suggestions are greatly appreciated! Peace out!-**


	6. Chapter 6: Andy and Milly

**Chapter 6: Andy and Milly-Unholy Pictures**

**Disclaimer:**** WAHAHA I'M BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER! Me no own. **

**WARNING****: Christians beware; I had a hard time writing this as it is…Also, Andy fans should back away slowly as well, LOVE YA ANDY-WANDY!!!**

* * *

"Are you sure you don't wanna try some of my world famous coffee??" Andy asked his wife. "I'm sure honey, I'm gonna be late for work, bye, I love you!" Milly said and they kissed before she left with a ginormous camera in her hand. 

"Hmmmm, I wonder what I'm going to do now…" he asked himself while taking a large sip out of his coffee.

"Hmmm, needs more sugar." He said and dumped the whole bag of sugar in his coffee like I do. He took another large sip and smiled wildly. "YEAH! THAT'S SOME GOOD STUFF!" he yelled and then ran around the house cleaning it for no apparent reason because he did the exact same thing yesterday.

After cleaning the house to make it look all shiny and prettyful he sat on the table wondering what to do next.

"I know! I can impersonate a Priest and get some Nuns to play Strip Poker with me! I'm sure Milly won't mind!" he said and ran outside.

* * *

_At Milly's Work…_

"Work it girl, work it!" Milly said as Cagalli posed. "Lookin' great chick!" she said as she snapped away on her camera that had no film in it…

"Do I really look good? Are you sure he'll like it?" Cagalli asked. She was wearing a lingerie outfit she found laying on the floor of Victoria's Secret after Stellar and Luna left. She had learned that wherever Stellar went, she left free stuff…

"Oh I'm sure he will! Now you'd better leave before my Boss comes, you know what happened last time. Besides, he's probably pretending to be a crazy old hobo to get Fllay to sleep with him again. I don't know how she keeps falling for it!" Milly told her.

"Yeah, that is kinda weird, but then again, she's dumber than me and I'm blonde!" Cagalli said and they laughed (No offense to blondes, love yas! Not really).

"Okay, bye, see you later Milly!" Cagalli called as she cat-walked out of the studio to cat-calls and whistles from the men (and a few women).

"Mirillia Haww! Did I just see Cagalli cat-walk out of my studio wearing sexy lingerie!?" Dearka yelled at her.

She winced. _'Here we go…' _she thought.

"Uh, yeah." She replied. "Why!? Why did she go!? Her husband is cheating on her anyway with that whore Fllay! Why can't she just let me have a little taste of-," he began but Milly kicked him in the nuts.

"Dearka! That is enough! Now will you let me do my job!?" she asked angrily. "Taking pictures of sexy women in lingerie with no film in your camera? I wish that was my job!" he said and she whacked her boss with her camera and then put film in it.

"I didn't want to use up all my film thank you very much! I'm telling you Elsman, I'm a one-of-a-kind photographer! If I left your studio would fall down on your perverted head!" she said and then started taking pictures of the beautiful mountain scenery.

"Since when was my studio near a mountain?" he asked but she ignored him while getting snap-happy with her camera. Too bad she couldn't go trigger-happy. But too many people have done that already. Oh well.

* * *

_At their house…_

"Woo! Yeah! Hey, for a bunch of nuns you girls sure do know how to play dirty!" Andy said.

"Well, a nun's gotta have some fun every once and a while don't she?" an old nun said and took off her –shirt- (or whatever those things are called).

"Woo! I like 'em saggin'!" he said and they continued the Unholy Game.

* * *

"Alright, I'm headin' home early!" Milly shouted after Dearka smacked her butt. "No! I was just kidding! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!" he yelled and got on his knees. 

"Ugh! You'll see me tomorrow!" she said and walked away.

As she was pulling into the cul-de-sac she saw Fllay strutting down the street, walking away from a crazy hobo…

She rolled down her window and called out, "Hey Fllay! Need a ride!?" just to be nice.

"Sure thanks! These heels are killing me!" Fllay said. Milly found this odd that she wasn't being her –witchy- self, but oh well, Fllay being nice is a good change I guess. Or the beginning of the Apocalypse….

Milly dropped her off at her house and then pulled into her driveway across the street.

"I'm home early Andy! What the!?" Milly yelled as she saw a bunch of half-naked nuns with cards in their hands. She spotted her also half-naked husband and scowled at him.

He gave her a sheepish grin and she stormed out. Just then Rau popped in and said: "Ya know, if you mess with the King's Queens you better watch your Ace, Jack!" and then ran away laughing wildly.

There was silence in the house for a moment.

"But my name is Andy." Andy said with a puzzled expression. "Who cares, let's play!" a nun said and took another swig out of her whiskey.

Just then…

_BAM!_

"_WAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

Again, this isn't from the scene where Rey has a shotgun.

"What in Heaven and Hell was that!?" he asked and heard yelling. Then…

"_DIE MOTHER-,"_

_BAM!_

All was quiet again and then there was a loud knock on the door. Andy opened it to see Yzak covered in blood with a Lucky Thirteen Sniper Rifle.

"Fllay shot herself with my gun. I need a Priest to do the Funeral Ceremony." Yzak said and scowled like normal.

"Uh, okay, I'll do it tomorrow. Let me get things ready." Andy said and they nodded and Yzak left grumbling.

"Okay ladies, I'm afraid we'll have to continue this tomorrow after I perform a funeral for a street corner whore who shot herself with Yzak's Lucky Thirteen Sniper Rifle." Andy told them.

"How could you kill yourself with a Lucky Thirteen Sniper Rifle?" one of the nuns asked as the others pulled on their clothes.

"Who knows who cares? See you tomorrow ladies, I had fun!" Andy said as they left.

* * *

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD IMPERSONATE A PRIEST TO GET NUNS TO PLAY STRIP POKER WITH YOU!!!" Milly yelled as she threw pillows at Andy that night. 

"I was bored and had too much sugar with my coffee!!!!" he explained. "That's it! I'M TAKING AWAY YOUR COFFEE!!" she shrieked and ran into the kitchen.

"NOOOOO!!!! NOT MY COFFEE!!!!!!" he screamed and ran after her. She was rummaging through all the cabinets and throwing away all his coffee and coffee-making materials.

"I WON'T DO IT AGAIN! STOP! YOU'RE KILLING ME!!! NOOO! I'M MELTING!! I'M MEEEELLTING!!!!" he said as he waved his arms around and then sunk to the floor pretending to melt.

"Serves you right! Humph!" she said after the last of the coffee was thrown out and her husband lay twitching on the ground.

"By the way, was Yzak over here earlier? I could've swore I felt his rage closer than usual." She said casually with her finger to her chin and her head tilted to the side.

"Oh yeah, he said Fllay shot herself with his Lucky Thirteen Sniper Rifle." Andy said, coming back to himself.

"What!? Oh that's so sad! You know, she was acting differently when I picked her up off the street…" Milly said. "You picked her up off the street? YOU MGIHT HAVE RABIES!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME WOMAN!!!" Andy shrieked and ran away from her.

She glared after him but then looked down at her hands. "Actually, I should take a shower…" she said and went to the bathroom.

And so you know what happened the next day. Andy was angry about not having his coffee and the results are thus:

"Gimme the mallet! I SAID GIVE ME THAT MALLET!!!!" Andy yelled at a judge and stole his mallet before running away laughing maniacally.

The judge raised and eyebrow and looked at the cop next to him who shrugged and they proceeded with their murder trial.

And then he stole some robes from another Priest and let Milly drive him to the Graveyard since without coffee he was unable to drive properly (and that's saying it nicely!).

Yzak showed up in a white suit (I don't know why…) and slipped him the small sheet of paper and they proceeded with the Funeral. Everyone else was wearing black. With an occasional pink. Ugh. I hate pink.

So after partying at someone else's house and thoroughly desecrating it Andy and Mirillia returned to their humble abode to find…a bunch of naked nuns dirty dancing while waiting for four more priest impersonators!!!??? (:P)

"Wooo! More partying!" Andy said and started dancing with them. Milly hung her head and trudged to their room and fell across the bed to fall asleep.

* * *

**-Author's Note: Wahaha, nobody knew who the priest was!!! Now you have to guess who the crazy hobo is, how many times I alliterated the sentence with the :P symbol next to it, and still try to figure out whose house everyone wrecked after Fllay's funeral! You'll find out the last bit in two more chapters because I'm doing the parts in four chappies, if that makes sense. But you'll figure out who the crazy hobo is in the next chapter, so hurry up and guess!!!-**


	7. Chapter 7: Rau and Cagalli

**Chapter 7: Cagalli and Rau-Crazy Hobos Marry Princesses!?**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own the characters but the pairings and plot is all mine for this particular fic! **

_So far no one has correctly guessed who the hobo is and who the house belonged to, you have one more chance to guess who the house belonged to, I gave some hints at the end of this chappy. I'm sure you all realize who the hobo is by now, fitting, isn't it?_

* * *

Cagalli Ula Attha was walking around the Mall after hearing of Stellar and Luna's visit before. She had long since learned that wherever Stellar went, she left free stuff scattered about.

She went into Victoria's Secret and came out with a few sexy lingerie items, hoping to get the attention of her wayward husband who pretended to be a crazy homeless person to sleep with the neighborhood whore…Fllay.

She also went into a make-up shop where they did her make-up and made her look sexy! Then she stopped by Milly's work to get her friend's opinion.

"Hey Milly!" Cagalli called to her friend who was getting ready to take a few pictures. "Oh hey Cagalli! What on earth are you wearing!?" Milly said and looked surprised to see Cagalli wearing lingerie and make-up.

"Uh, I bought this at Victoria's Secret and also had the nice women at Sears do my make-up. I want to try to impress Rau so he'll notice me more." Cagalli replied casually.

"Who are you and what have you done to my friend!?" Milly yelled and pulled out a switchblade. "Cool knife, he took mine and chucked it out the window the last time I threatened him with it." Cagalli replied.

"Oh okay she's normal." Milly told herself and straightened up. "Well, I'd say you look extremely attractive. Do some poses for me, Cags. Or else the effect won't work properly." Milly said.

So Cagalli did some poses while Milly snapped away with her camera that had no film in it…

"Do I really look good? Are you sure he'll like it?" Cagalli asked.

"Oh I'm sure he will! Now you'd better leave before my Boss comes, you know what happened last time. Besides, he's probably pretending to be a crazy old hobo to get Fllay to sleep with him again. I don't know how she keeps falling for it!" Milly told her.

"Yeah, that is kinda weird, but then again, she's dumber than me and I'm blonde!" Cagalli said and they laughed (No offense to blondes, AGAIN).

So she said goodbye and then strutted her stuff out of the studio to cat-calls and whistling from the men (and a few women). She got into her car and thought about where to go next…

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

"Hey baby, how's it hangin'?" Rau asked Fllay while he was disguised as a crazy hobo. "High and mighty, thank you very much." Fllay replied and then crossed her arms over her ample chest.

She turned her head and watched for anyone else coming down the street, ignoring Rau/The Hobo.

"Aw c'mon baby! I don't have a home, but I have a heart and plenty of cash!" Rau tempted her.

"Well, I do need some extra cash after going shoe shopping and getting my hair done yesterday. Okay you crazy hobo, pay up and prepare for the time of your life!" she replied and he gave her fifty bucks and then took her into a cardboard box…on the sidewalk…on the corner of a subdivision…in a city…IN DA WORLD!!!!! Ahem, sorry…

* * *

_Back to Cags_

"I know! I'll fill the house with roses and turn on some candles!" she said and sped off toward her home.

Luckily for Rau Le Crueset, Cagalli Ula Attha didn't see him and Fllay "doing it" in the cardboard box because it was facing the bushes opposite the road. However, she did wonder whether some raccoons were fighting in it because of all the movements.

So she went inside the house, put out all the candles they had (which surprisingly enough was a lot), lit them all (while trying not to catch the house on fire, which is difficult for pyromaniacs, believe me), then scattered some roses she "borrowed" from the neighbor's rose bush all over the house.

She then pulled all the curtains over the windows and turned out all the lights, so the only way to see was the candles (hey, at least she's smart enough to light the candles _before _turning out all the lights and covering the windows!).

Then…she waited. She turned on some sexy music and lay across the table with an apple in her mouth, watching the doorway to see when her hubby would come home.

Coincidentally, her "hubby" was just finishing up with Fllay and watching her walk down the street to her house. He also saw Milly drive up and let her have a ride. Then he took off his hobo clothes and changed into his normal clothes (inside the box, hehehe).

When he neared the area where his and the other's homes were he saw Andy Waltfeld playing Strip Poker with some nuns while pretending he was a priest through a slit in the curtains. Don't ask why he was peering into his neighbors house in the first place...

He decided to pop in and say "Hi.", but then he remembered that one cologne commercial and said instead, "Ya know, if you mess with the King's Queens you better watch your Ace, Jack!" and then ran out laughing wildly.

Then he heard…

_BAM!_

"_WAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

He raised an eyebrow and looked over at Yzak and Fllay's house, because that was where the noise came from.

He also heard some yelling, but couldn't make out what it was until…

"_DIE MOTHER-,"_

_BAM!_

Moments later Yzak came out covered in blood and carrying his Lucky Thirteen Sniper Rifle. He spotted Rau and walked over to him.

"Do you know of a Priest that I could use for a funeral ceremony?" he asked. "Uh, sure," Rau replied and pointed to Andy's house.

"He's not a Priest, he's a coffee maniac! Are you on drugs? I told you those kids on the street corner were amateurs! You want real drugs you talk to me!" Yzak yelled and poked his chest.

"Well, that's beside the point, Zacky, Andy is impersonating a Priest and won't ask any questions about how Fllay died, thus saving your –bleep-." Rau said and smiled.

"Did you just say bleep?" Yzak asked with a questionable look on his face. "Uhhh, oh look at the time I gotta run!" Rau said, and ran he did to his house where he slammed the door behind it and locked it twenty or so times.

"'Ey, 'unny." Cagalli said with the apple in her mouth. She tried to sound seductive but the apple was making it difficult to speak much less use tone.

Rau looked her over and asked, "Are you on drugs too? You know those kids on the corner are amateurs, you want real drugs you should talk with Yzak."

She rolled her eyes and took the apple out of her mouth. "I'm not on drugs; I just wanted you to notice me! You're always acting like a crazy hobo on the streets to get whores to sleep with you when you have a good enough wife at home!" she yelled and posed.

"Like my outfit?" she asked and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. He looked her over again and shrugged.

"As long as I don't have to pay you!" he said and grinned before jumping on the table….

* * *

_Animal noises later…_

"Oh hey, Fllay shot herself with Yzak's Lucky Thirteen Sniper Rifle." Rau said in the middle of sex.

"You pick the most random time to tell me that!? Do you even love me!?" Cagalli yelled and smacked him.

"Uh, define love." He replied and she growled and pushed him off her. "YOU'RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH YOU WORHTLESS PIECE OF-,"

* * *

_The next day… (Laugh out loud, LAUGH I TELL YOU!)_

"We are gathered here today to pay tribute to a street corner whore who was married to a Highly Honorable Zaft Official." Andy the Impersonated Priest read the note Yzak slipped him…

And you all know what happened next, except whose house it happened at, which I demand that you guess!!!! I won't post the next chapter until I get enough guesses or at least one or two people guess correctly! Think people! You've requested this pairing before!

**Special Hint: The house belongs to two guys…who died…in Gundam SEED…but are alive for my purposes…That was too many hints but oh well.**

* * *

**-Author's Note: I can hear the wheels turning now! Please remember to review and tell me what you think along with guessing: Whose house everyone wrecked after Fllay's funeral and if you wanna try to guess why they weren't there be my guest, wahaha I love confusing people!-**


	8. Chapter 8: Tolle and Nicol

**Chapter 8: Tolle and Nicol- Never Go On Vacation With Crazy People In Your Neighborhood Or You Might Come Home To A Wrecked House**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own the peeps from the show, only the crazy plot ideas for this particular fic. **

_Tada! Congrats to __**Jinxie-The-Thief **__for guessing correctly! This chapter is dedicated to you! And thanks to all the reviewers who guessed as well! They made me laugh! On with the awaited chapter…_

* * *

Tolle and Nicol were sitting next to each other on the plane, holding hands. They were coming back home from California where they had their honeymoon. 

"I wonder what sort of chaos ensured over the past week while we were gone." Tolle mused.

A worried expression crossed Nicol's face as he squirmed and said, "Do you think the house will be okay? I have a bad feeling, you know how crazy they all are." He said.

"I'm sure it's fine, you locked it didn't you?" Tolle asked softly. Nicol opened his mouth to say yes when suddenly he realized something. His face grew pale as his eyes grew wide.

"Honey? What's wrong? Didn't you lock the house before we left?" Tolle asked, stroking his husband's hand lovingly.

"I left the light on in the bathroom!" Nicol exclaimed and hit his head. "Oh, I'm sure it's fine, the electricity bill shouldn't be too bad." Tolle replied and tried to calm Nicol down.

"Would you like some peanuts?" a flight attendant asked them as she passed by with a trolley. She had blonde hair that was cut short and curved upwards toward her face and brown eyes that shone with happiness.

"Sure, I love nuts." Tolle replied and took a bag of peanuts. The flight attendant glanced at Nicol and their hands that were still held together but smiled and walked on.

"So what were we talking about? Want some?" Tolle asked as he ate a few peanuts and offered Nicol some. "Sure. We were talking about the safety of our house and possessions with our crazy neighbors." Nicol replied.

"Oh, you still haven't answered my question, did you lock the door?" Tolle asked. "I can't remember, weren't you supposed to lock the door?" Nicol asked him while sticking a peanut in his mouth.

"I thought you were supposed to lock the door. Didn't I come out first?" Tolle asked with a puzzled expression. Nicol furrowed his eyebrows and frowned at his husband. "No, _I _went out first." He said.

"Really? Huh," Tolle replied and continued eating a peanut while Nicol looked out the window. Then they both froze and turned slowly to stare at each other in horror.

"If _you_ didn't lock the door…" Nicol said, panic in his eyes. "And if _I _didn't lock the door…" Tolle said, staring at him with equal shock. (He was supposed to say "I" and not "You", you'll see why in a moment)

Nicol frowned again. "You mean 'you'." He said. "Right, me." Tolle responded. Nicol was about to argue but then shook his head, it was better not to get into this conversation with witnesses close by…

"So if I didn't lock the door and you didn't lock the door, then the door wasn't locked. Oh my Cockpit Explosion (1)! They could have gone inside and ransacked the place for no apparent reason like they did when we first moved in!" Nicol exclaimed with a horrified expression.

"All they did was throw a Housewarming party and left before cleaning up after themselves." Tolle said as if it wasn't a bad thing.

"We had to replace most of the things we brought with us and the crap they gave us as 'gifts' didn't even work and were mostly homemade pieces of junk!" Nicol said and tried to calm himself down.

"Sheesh, someone's grumpy." Tolle muttered. Nicol sighed. "I hope our house is still in tact, if not we might just have to move somewhere else, the only truly sane person in the whole neighborhood is Milly and she's married to a coffee maniac." He said.

"Yeah, although she has her insane moments, especially in bed, woo! She's a wildcat!" Tolle replied with a smile, still holding his HUSBAND'S hand.

Nicol's grip tightened. "Oh really? And how would you know that, dear husband?" he asked through clenched teeth as he glared at Tolle.

"Uh, Andy told me…I wouldn't know from experience because I was cheating on you while we were engaged or anything like that, eh heh." Tolle replied with a sweat drop.

Nicol stared at him for a moment and then smiled, "Oh okay, because if you _had _been cheating on me while we were engaged I'd throw you out of this window." He said happily while smiling over at Tolle who sweat dropped again and smiled uneasily.

"Yeah, haha." Tolle said. The flight attendant passed by again and asked if they wanted anything to drink. "Some champagne would be nice, actually." Tolle said and she gave them some glasses.

"Thanks." He said and took a sip. "You're welcome, just wave me down if you want anything else." She said and laughed as she walked away. Tolle watched her butt as she walked down the isle and then turned a corner.

Next to him, Nicol cleared his throat and motioned for him to give him the glass of champagne. "Oh, sorry, here you go." Tolle said and gave him the glass.

"How much longer do you think it will be?" Nicol asked after a pause. "I'm not sure; I'll ask the flight attendant when she comes back around." Tolle replied and took another sip of his champagne.

"I'm sure we'll need to be filled in on the past events, no doubt they got themselves into trouble while we were gone. I almost can't wait to hear what happened this time." He said casually with a slight grin.

"Ugh, I can, whatever it is it's bound to be crazy enough to make me faint for two days like last time." Nicol groaned.

Tolle laughed, "Oh yeah, I remember when Yzak came by with that mutilated cow and asked if he could use the bathroom, Hahaha, you were out cold for two days, you missed some pretty funny action." He said.

Nicol scowled at him. "I don't want to think about that right now, I'm going to listen to my Mozart vs. Beethoven CD." He said and put his headphones on while turning on his CD Player.

Tolle chuckled to himself as he glanced at Nicol's expression as the CD began to play, but instead of the soothing and sometimes violent melodies of his favorite Classical musicians, Nicol heard the hard breathing of a man and woman while the woman was saying, _"Oh yes, harder, harder! Faster, faster I tell you! AHHHHH!!!" _

Nicol's face went from serene to disgusted and horrified. Tolle finally burst out laughing and Nicol turned his head slowly to glare at his husband while turning off the porno.

"You switched my CDs?" Nicol asked him darkly. Tolle was still laughing as he nodded; and Nicol took his glass and splashed it on his face.

"Hey! That's some good stuff you're listening to! Instead of some dead guys banging on a piano, ooo, I taste good now." Tolle said and started licking his chin and then wiping the liquid off with his hand and licking that as well.

"Wanna taste?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows up and down. "No." Nicol growled. Just then a baby started crying behind him and a man across from him threw up his hands and declared, "All Hell is breaking loose! This plane is going to crash! Kill the baby! We're all gonna die!"

More babies started to cry as panicked men and women started asking their spouses and/or friends what was going on, as well as constantly bothering the flight attendants.

"Are you sure you don't wanna taste?" Tolle asked him after a while of chaos. Nicol groaned and drank the rest of his champagne and motioned for the flight attendant to come over and refill both glasses, and then just told her to leave the whole bottle there.

"Yessss!" Tolle said and took a swig from his glass. "To complete and utter Chaos!" he said, raising his glass in a toast.

"We were supposed to be getting _away _from complete and utter chaos!" Nicol groaned again. "We did, but I guess we're getting close to home now." Tolle said and Nicol reluctantly replied to the toast and together they just about emptied the bottle of champagne.

After about an hour of the insanity that is normal plane flights the Captain made an announcement over the intercom. "Attention all passengers, we are running out of fuel and there is a serious storm ahead, we just might crash, the flight attendants will now instruct you in the proper way to assume crash position."

"YES! THE PLANE IS GOING TO CRASH! THE PLANE IS GOING TO CRASH! IN ALL MY YEARS OF PROPHESYING DOOM THIS ONE FINALLY COMES TRUE!" the man who declared that all Hell was breaking loose and that the plane would crash earlier cried out and then died.

"Great, yep, we're within range of the Chaos Inflictor." Nicol said as they assumed the crash position.

"If we survive this you wanna have sex?" Tolle asked, wiggling his eyebrows. "If we survive this I'm moving to a different country." Nicol grumbled.

"We are now experiencing the type of turbulence that comes with hurtling downward from the sky at a ninety degree angle at three thousand feet in the air going twenty-five hundred miles per hour." The Captain said as everyone flew forward.

"WEEEEE!!!" a young boy squealed.

'_Why me?' _Nicol thought as the plane dropped faster and faster out of the sky. Right before they went nose-first into the parking lot of a Wal-Mart the pilots pulled up on the controls and the plane skidded across the pavement, running over several cars in the process, until it finally came to a complete halt in the center of the road.

"WE MADE IT!" the Captain shouted and everyone cheered as they got out of the crash position. Most of their belongings were scattered about the plane and they scrambled about to find them while kids and babies were crying and people were yelling over lost luggage and blah, blah, blah.

Tolle and Nicol scrambled about as well to find their luggage that they carried on the plane with them, Nicol's CD player was broken as well as the CD in it, and their glasses were both broken as well as the bottle; they were covered in the champagne and there was glass everywhere.

After successfully finding all of their luggage they were helped out of the plane by various flight attendants and people below, whether shoppers or people from the plane itself.

Then they waited by the cargo hold of the plane with some others before the pilots came down and unlatched the hatch. The passengers all scrambled about, looking for their luggage, while the pilots tried to get it all off of the plane to make it easier.

After about two hours, including the time right after the crash, Tolle and Nicol had all of their luggage and were packing them into a taxi that mercifully arrived right when they needed it.

"Thanks a lot." Tolle said to the driver after he gave him the address. "No problem." The driver replied. He had light blue hair and was driving all over the road, as if he were a small child playing with a toy car.

"Woah! Slow down! Ouch! Quit swerving!" Tolle exclaimed. "Hey, this is the fastest way to get to your house, I know what I'm doin'!" the driver replied and turned a sharp corner down a street.

"Oh thank God! Our subdivision is on the left." Nicol said and he made another sharp turn, tires screeching across the pavement. "There's our house." Tolle said and pointed to the house. The driver made an abrupt halt and they wobbled out before getting all their luggage out of the trunk and putting it in their driveway.

The house itself didn't look too bad on the outside, except that all of Nicol's rosebushes were cleared of all the roses. After they paid the driver he did a U-turn and sped off. It was dark out and there was no one outside except the two men.

Tolle took out his keys and put them in the keyhole and turned it to discover that it was already unlocked; he gave a sheepish look toward his husband as he opened the door.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

_Thud!_

"Uh, Honey, are you okay?"

* * *

**-Author's Note: You know you loved it! Cracktastic, wouldn't you say? So the house belonged to Nicol and Tolle, and now I have more questions for you! Whoever can guess who the Flight Attendant and the Cab Driver was gets the next short story dedicated to them! This is the end of Part Two and the Beginning of Part Three; stay tuned for more and please remember to review!-**


	9. Chapter 9: Dearka&Gilbert and Talia

**Chapter 9: Talia and Dearka/Gilbert-…Don't Have an Affair with Your Boss's Wife…Pervert.**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own the characters from Gundam Seed/Destiny. I only own the crazy plot ideas and twists…because who else could think of something so cruel and unusual? (Hypothetical question people…)**

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"Good morning Mirillia! Did you enjoy the party last night? I saw Tolle and Nicol earlier this morning; I hope they didn't see me though…" Dearka said as Milly came in. "Ugh, I came home to a bunch of naked nuns dirty dancing while waiting for four more priest impersonators (1)." she replied and slumped down in a chair.

"Oh, my mistress came home last night after her plane crashed, funny thing though, it was the plane Tolle and Nicol were on. Funny huh?" Dearka told her casually. "Mistress? Don't you mean girlfriend?" Milly asked giving him an odd look.

"No, she's more like a 'sex'-buddy anyway, really (2)." He said. She raised her eyebrows and shook her head. "Well, you said their plane crashed? Is she okay? Poor Nicol and Tolle, especially Nicol. I feel really bad now that I know we partied at their house while they were away, I coulda swore it was Yzak's." she said, a queer look coming across her face.

"Yeah she's fine, but she said they had a lot of champagne. I never thought Nicol would be a drinker." He said with a thoughtful look. "Tch, with all the crap that goes on in everyone's lives? I wouldn't be surprised if he was poppin' pills!" she exclaimed.

"Actually Tolle told me that he caught Nicol injecting heroin into his arm with a needle." Dearka replied casually. Milly's jaw dropped as her eyes flew wide. "I was just kidding! Ha, ha, look at your face!" he said as he started laughing. She remained in the expression, and he waved his hand at her-no response.

"Oh well, hey baby!" he said as he spotted a blonde-headed woman. "Hey honey, thanks for letting me stay at your place for a while." The woman said as she came up to him.

"Right, well, remember to keep this on the down-low, because your husband is my Superior!" he told her.

"Yes, you've told me that a thousand times, but he's as good as dead right now anyway." She said. "Oh, right, well…" he said and cleared his throat.

"Dearka, m'boy! I see you've met my lovely wife!" Gilbert Durandal boomed as he came toward them. WAHAHA HE'S NOT MOLESTING SHINN HAHAHA IN YOUR FACE!!!! Ahem, sorry about that….

'_Actually, I've known her longer than you think sir, and a lot _more _than you think.' _Dearka wanted to rub in his face. But his job was on the line…as well as his manhood. So he didn't, instead he said: "Why yes, very lovely!"

Gil gave him a creepy-evil-"I-Will-Kill-You-If-You-Touch-My-Wife"-look and said, "Good, good, NOW BACK TO WORK!!!" as if he was bipolar or had turrets (3)…and who knows, really…

"Yes sir!" Dearka squeaked and ran back to Milly to shout the same thing.

"Ah, they grow up so fast." Gil said as he looked on. Talia gave him a weird look and when he turned back she smiled. "So how was your flight? Didn't you get back last night? Where were you this morning?" he asked her.

"The flight was good until we neared the area, then all Hell broke loose, the plane crashed and they made me stay at the site to get everyone situated, there are still some things that need to be done so I won't be able to come home for another few days." She lied smoothly.

"Oh, that's too bad, you're okay I assume?" he questioned. "Yes, only a few scratches." She replied.

"Good, good. Now I should be getting back to work, I have an Evil Plan to complete-I mean- so portfolios to assemble!" he said and shuffled away.

"Ugh, his aftershave smells like puke." She said.

* * *

"My milkshakes bring all the girls to the yard…" Dearka sang as he shook his booty and watched Milly take photos of the oldest model in the Industry.

"Dearka, if you sing one more line, I'll have to stick this camera up your-,"

"Now, now, Mirillia! I'm your boss, I can sing if I want to!" he countered before she could finish.

She grumbled a few things while the model posed for more pictures.

"Break the walls between building atrophy, causing all your problems to recede… (4)" Dearka continued to sing.

"I'm really surprised you're still in the modeling business." Milly said to the model. "I guess I'm just really good." She replied.

"Yeah, I'm really glad they're keeping you, we need more older models out there for us Mid-life Crisis Women." Milly said.

"But you're so young!" the model exclaimed as she did more poses.

"Take back the beat in your heart, why fight when you can be born!" Dearka was yelling in the background.

"True, but I feel so old! I mean, my 'husband' goes around impersonating Priests to get Nuns to play Strip Poker with him and drinks way too much coffee!" Milly told her.

"That's too bad. I'm not much of a coffee drinker really. Only on occasion." The model said.

"Well, they say that the beans from coffee helps stimulate brain cells-making you smarter, but I really doubt it after how much my husband drinks and his IQ level." Milly said.

The model laughed. "Oops, sorry." She said. "No, that was a good picture." Milly said.

"MY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME! IT'S O-S-C-A-R! MY BOLOGNA HAS A SECOND NAME! IT'S-,"

_Crash! _

"OWIE!"

_Thud!_

"That was getting annoying…" Milly said, dusting off her hands after returning from tackling Dearka to the ground.

"…Are you allowed to do that? He _is _your boss after all." The model asked. "At least I didn't throw my camera at him this time. He'll live." Milly replied and they laughed.

* * *

"Dearka? Are you okay?" Talia asked as she stood over him as he lay twitching on the dirty cement floor of the building.

"I'm fine honey. Don't mind me. I'll get up when I want to. Heh, heh, heh…" he said with a crazed look on his face.

"Right, well, I'm going to the house now. See you later." Talia said and stepped over him. "Okay, bye honey…..I'll get up when I want to…ooo, duckies!"

* * *

"Hehehe, my Evil Plan is almost complete! Step one has been accomplished, now for step two!" Gilbert said as he looked over some sheets of paper at his desk…or was it?

"Sir, you're sitting at my desk, could you please leave before I call Security? You've been rambling about an Evil Plan for ten minutes now!" the secretary said.

"What? No I haven't! This is my desk! I'm not concocting an Evil Plan! I'm assembling a portfolio!" he said, gathering his papers and hiding them against his chest.

"Sir, even if I wanted to, do you honestly think I could read your first-grade chicken scratch? And yes you _are _at my desk, _not _yours! Now I'm about to call Security…again!" she said.

"I don't write like a first-grader…" he mumbled. "And I've been telling you, this is _my_- wait, this isn't my desk…WHO STOLE MY DESK!?" he began yelling.

The woman slapped her forehead as the Security man came and escorted Gilbert to his proper desk.

"Ah, thank you, NOW GO AWAY AND LET ME LAUGH EVILLY AND MANIACALLY BECAUSE OF MY EVIL PLAN! I mean, ASSEMBLE THE PORTFOLIO!" he yelled and the guy left.

"Humph, people are just so rude now-a-days…" he grumbled to himself.

* * *

Talia was outside the building hailing a cab when one raced right up and almost ran her over on the curb.

"Uh, Destiny Oaks please." She said and got inside. "Right away ma'am." The cab driver said and sped off. He weaved in and out of the traffic and then turned abruptly down an old, narrow dirt-path.

"Wwwhhere are yyyou goinggg!?" she squealed as she was thrown around and hitting her head against the roof of the car.

"Ssshhorttt-cccutt." He told her as the car went over the bumpy road. "III thinkkk I'm gggoingg tto pppukke!" she said and covered her mouth as her face went green.

"Hhhold on mmma'amm, jjjustt a litttttle ffartherrr." He told her and then skidded onto the main road, cutting right in front of an eighteen wheeler with a Hummer behind it.

_CRASH!_

_SCREECH!_

_BAM!_

_"MOOOOOOO!!!!!"_

"Oh my Laboratory Explosion! You just made all those cars crash!" she exclaimed, looking back at all the wreckage.

"Do it every day, ma'am, it's one of the simple pleasures of being a cab driver." He responded with a toothy grin. "Watch out!" she screamed because he almost rear-ended a Minivan with soccer kids in it.

"Get that piece of junk off the road! It's a hazard!" he yelled out the window at the mom driving the car.

Talia's eyes went wide and she sunk down into her seat, knowing what was coming next…

_Screech!_

_Crash!_

_Bam!_

"_WEEEEE!!!!!"_

As the tire rim rolled to a stop in front of her, Talia twitched and rearranged her body parts into a normal position, sitting up and surveying the damage. The soccer mom drove away while high-fiving all the kids in the van, leaving them with a banged up car in the middle of the street.

"That was exhilarating!" the cab driver exclaimed. Talia gritted her teeth and got up, cracking a few bones either back into place, or out of it.

"I think I'll just walk the rest of the way." She said and began to walk toward the sidewalk.

"Hey! You owe me fifty bucks lady! I got my car wrecked to get you this far! Plus I need money to replace this one because the last car I wrecked was the last one they'd pay for!" he yelled after her.

"You were the one that had to go and yell at a soccer mom in a minivan!" she yelled back and limped down the street, being thankfully close to the neighborhood.

"Fine! My girlfriend is a model anyway! A really hot model! I'll just get the money from her!" he yelled again.

She threw her had to the side and it snapped out of place…nice.

* * *

"I'M A NIGHTMARE! A DISASTER! THAT'S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAID! I'M A LOST CAUSE! NOT A HERO! BUT I'LL MAKE IT ON MY OWN! I'M GONNA PROVE THEM WRONG! IT'S ME AGAINST THE WORLD!" Dearka yelled in Milly's ear.

"See how come you didn't tackle me for singing that!?" he asked angrily, his throat a little hoarse. "Because it's true." She replied without even looking at him as she put more film in her camera.

His jaw dropped and then he got angry. "Grr! You're…you're mean!" he said, pointing at her and pouting.

"Ugh, you're such a third-grader." She said. "WAAA!!! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!" he cried and ran off.

"Moron…"

* * *

"WAAAA!!!" Dearka was screaming as he ran and "accidentally" bumped into the older model and "accidentally" touched her boob as a bad Shinn-move (5).

"Excuse you!' she snapped at him and walked away gracefully. He grinned and then looked at his watch.

"Oooooo! America's Next Top Model comes on in an hour! I'm leaving now! Buh-bye people! See you tomorrow!" he said and ran out of the warehouse and into his car, speeding off to his home.

"Thank God! Now I can upload those recordings on the internet!" Milly said and typed quickly on her laptop.

* * *

So Dearka is driving much like the cab driver when he sees a crash scene involving an eighteen wheeler, Hummer, Toyota Corolla, Mercedes-Benz, and Suzuki motorcycle…

"Woah, I wonder what nut-job did that…" he asked himself as he passed by. A few minutes later he came by another accident scene, close to his neighborhood…

"Why is a cab car ripped to shreds in the middle of the road? And who's that weird, blue-haired freak? Athrun's blue hair is way sexier!" he said to himself as he wondered who this new person could be.

As he pulled onto the street leading into his neighborhood he saw –small (cough, cough) - blood stains on the sidewalk.

"Huh, I wonder who got shot this time." He said and pulled into his driveway, noticing that the bloodstains are there as well and are leading into his house..

He stepped out and walked cautiously toward his front door, where blood was covering the doorknob. He grimaced and used a napkin to twist it open and cautiously peered inside…to see Talia bruised and bloodied at the computer desk laughing at a recording of bad singing!?

"Hey…THAT'S ME!!!" Dearka yelled and ran up behind her to listen to the recording of him singing the songs from earlier.

"How'd that get on the internet?" he asked.

"I think it was Milly, ha, ha, ha, you really are terrible at singing…" Talia said and winced as she laughed.

"Sheesh, what happened to you?" he asked and grimaced again. A dark look came upon her face as she said, "That stupid cab driver just _had _to yell at the soccer mom in the minivan after causing a huge traffic wreck by cutting in front of an eighteen wheeler with a Hummer behind it!" she growled.

"You mean that weird, blue-haired freak caused both of those wrecks!?" he asked, astounded and…confused. Even _he _hadn't caused that big of a wreck…

"Yes, WHILE I WAS IN THE FREAKING CAR!!! I swear I'll never take a cab again!" she huffed and winced again.

"Should I take you to the hospital?" he asked cautiously. "Are you kidding!? I SAW THE WAY YOU DRIVE DEARKA ELSMAN! DO YOU SERIOUSLY WANT TO KILL ME YOU MANIAC!?" she screeched.

He flinched and stepped back. "No! I just want to help! Those wounds look serious!" he said, staring at a rather large wound on her chest…

"Ugh, I'll fix myself up here thank you very much!" she said.

"Okay then, but I'm still kinda horny so..." he said and grinned. She gave him a look of DOOM that he totally ignored and then sighed, shutting off the computer and telling him to wait a few minutes while she cleaned and bandaged her wounds.

* * *

"OH YEAH! YOU LIKE THAT BABY!? YEAH! SAY MY NAME! SAY MY NAME!!!!"

"SHUT THE FREAK UP ELSMAN!"

"MEANIE!!!!!"

* * *

**-Author's Note: Wahaha, the beginning of Part III to this crackalicious story! So what'd ya think? Needs some haros? Too much Onomatopoeia? Not enough perverted-ness from Dearka? WELL TOO BAD! Just tell me what you think and who you think the cab driver and "older model" is and if you feel like taking a wild guess at Gil's "Evil Plan", go ahead! Now I'm going to create alien people on the Sims…**

**1) If you can guess how many times I alliterated (ask your English teacher cuz I don't feel like explaining what it means) then I'll announce you as the smartest reviewer ever!**

**2) I wanted to say the f word but I felt it unnecessary, you all should know what I mean anyway (wink)**

**3) In case you didn't know, turrets (possible misspelling) is when a person would be talking normal and then start yelling something and can't control it, I wish I had it so I could use it as an excuse, hehehe…**

**4) This song is by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (me no own) and it's called "Atrophy" the "Take back the beat in your heart, etc." is also a part of the song, and "I'm a nightmare, a disaster, etc." is from Simple Plan's "Me Against The World".**

**5) In the episode where Shinn meets Stellar, he "accidentally" touches her boob…nice Shinn…real nice…-**


	10. Chapter 10: Auel and Murrue

**Chapter 10: Murrue and Auel: Never Get Into A Car When Auel Is Driving And Never Question The Almighty Murrue!**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own the show just the plot for this fic.**

_Congrats again to Jinxie-The-Thief as well as ZNO for guessing correctly! The smartest reviewer is Hades.Throne.Heiress for correctly recognizing the amount of alliteration I used! Yay! Now on to the fic:_

* * *

"HAHAHA! MURRUE COME HERE YOU HAVE TO HERE THIS GUY!" Auel Neider yelled to his Supermodel girlfriend, Murrue Ramius.

"Must you yell when I'm standing right behind you?" she asked while rubbing her ears. "Oh, sorry hun, I didn't know you were there. Man, for being old you're still as silent as a cat!" he replied with a grin.

"I'm not _that _old you hooligan!" she answered with a glare.

"Ooo, someone's had a bad day." He said and grinned again.

She sighed and closed her eyes before reopening them and listening to Dearka sing badly for the 3rd time that day.

"Auel dear, I was there at the studio when this deranged man started singing to annoy his coworker, now can you please shut this off so I can get some rest? I've had a long week." She asked of him.

"This was at your studio? I picked up some blonde chick a while ago; she made me crash my cab." Auel replied and pouted.

"Oh my Archangel! Is she okay!?" Murrue asked.

"I don't care! She crashed my car and didn't even pay me! Stupid blonde bombshell…" he grumbled.

She put her hands on her hips and then rolled her eyes. "Forget it. I'm calling Talia." She said and went into the kitchen. Oh aren't I good?

_Riiiing…riiiing…riiiing… "I'm sorry, but I'm not available at the moment, although if you're hot and horny I can be! Just leave your name and number and I'll get on ya!" _Dearka's voice told anyone who was trying to call him.

"Huh, they must be having sex, ugh!" she exclaimed and wondered what to do next…

After a few minutes of pondering…

"Hey honey?" Auel's voice drifted in from the computer room.

"What?" Murrue asked.

"I think I broke the computer…again." He said uneasily.

"WHAT!? WELL CONGRATU-FREAKING-LATIONS THAT'S THE 100TH TIME YOU'VE BROKEN THE COMPUTER!" she yelled and stormed into the room where he sat sheepishly.

The screen was showing black and white fuzzy lines like on the TV and it was making the dial-up noise while sparking with electricity from a broken wire.

"I don't even want to know." she said. "Okay good because you would probably kill me anyway." He replied and grinned widely.

She glared at him and he pouted so she gave up and hugged him. "Yay! You're the nicest, prettiest old supermodel ever!" Auel said like a little kid who just got a really nice present.

"I AM NOT OLD!" she cried and started chasing him around the house.

* * *

In the middle of shoving his decapitated cock down his throat on the Dining Room Table the doorbell rang.

"Now who could that be?" she asked. "Iunno." He replied with half a rooster head in his mouth.

She got off of him and went to answer the door while he spit the rooster out.

"Oh, hi Sting and Sai." She said while blushing and giggling like a schoolgirl.

"Sting! Thanks for coming; you just saved my life man! This chick's crazy!" Auel exclaimed as he ran up and glomped his "brother" or whatever they were.

"Really? I kinda like crazy chicks." Sting replied in a smoky voice and gave Murrue a sly grin. If I get the rocker and the extended mixed up just tell me (Love ya Sting!).

"Yes well you like me better." Sai replied possessively.

"Uh, right." Sting answered.

They all stood at the doorway for a few minutes in silence for lack of anything better to do until…

"DEARKA ELSMAN GET OUT OF THAT BED WITH MY WIFE! I KNEW YOU TWO WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR AND NOW I'VE CAUGHT YOU IN THE ACT! WAHAHA MY EVIL PLAN IS ALMOST COMPLETE! Now where did I put that Lucky Thirteen Sniper Rifle I 'borrowed' from Yzak?" they heard Gilbert Durandal yell from next door.

"Well, wanna come inside? I can make you guys some dinner." Murrue said. The two men shrugged and followed her and Auel inside as Dearka and Talia's screams were heard throughout the neighborhoods.

"_SHE MADE ME! I COULDN'T STOP HER! SHE'S A BEAST I TELL YOU! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" Dearka yelled as he ran around inside the house._

"_DEARKA! YOU LIEING, SNIVELING LITTLE PIECE OF –CRAP-! GIMME THAT GUN GILBERT I'LL KILL HIM MYSELF!!!" Talia shrieked crazily as she grabbed the gun from Gil._

"_Awww, but _I _wanted to kill him!" Gil pouted and sat on the front steps while Talia was chasing Dearka._

"Dude, you have awesome neighbors." Sting said after listening.

"I think we should call the cops, someone could get hurt!" Sai said worriedly.

"Oh shut up you wuss! You're worse than Kira!" Auel complained.

"GRRR! STOP SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT! DIE FOR BASHING KIRA!!!!" I yell and drop a couple of anvils on Auel, then blast him to bits with my bazooka (MINE!).

He lays there twitching with his tongue hanging out and yada, yada, you know the rest!

"Sting I think we should leave, this is getting violent." Sai said and clung to his lover's arm.

"NO ONE'S LEAVING UNTIL THEY EAT MY SPECIAL DINNER!" Murrue yelled insanely.

"Dude! All the chicks are going crazy!" Sting exclaimed.

"_THERE YOU ARE! WHERE'D YOU PUT MY LUCKY THIRTEEN SNIPER RIFLE YOU CRAZY SON OF A GUN!?" Yzak bellowed when he found Gilbert Durandal._

_All the Former Chairman did was point in the direction where Talia had Dearka cornered against Murrue and Auel's house._

"_GIMME BACK MY LUCKY THRITEEN SNIPER RIFLE WOMAN!" he bellowed again and ran towards them._

"_NEVER! NOT UNTIL THIS BAKA IS DEAD AND EVERYONE WORSHIPS ME!" Talia screamed wildly. Everyone stopped and raised their eyebrows at this and she sighed. "Okay forget the worshipping part, BUT I STILL WANT HIM DEAD!" _

_BAM!_

The bullet blasted through the side of the house, leaving a big gaping hole…

…Right in front of where Murrue was standing raising her insanely ginormous kitchen knife with her "Kiss the Cook" apron on and tall, white Chef's hat.

_Thud!_

And then she fainted.

…………a few moments of still and quiet until...

"YES!" Auel shouted and dragged Murrue into the bedroom. Sting and Sai glanced at each other and shrugged before Sai also fainted and Sting grinned.

"_DARN IT I MISSED!"_

"I love this place…"

* * *

**-Author's Note: WAHAHA! Press the shiny purple button and leave a review or the evil little haros will come and attack you! (Hey that rhymed!) Peace out-**


	11. Chapter 11: Sting and Sai

**Chapter 11: Sting and Sai-…I Have No Words For This…**

**Disclaimer:**** Sorry it's been so long!!! Anyway, I only own the OCs and –plot- of this fic.**

* * *

"Hey hun, you wanna visit our friends in Destiny Oaks? I heard some crazy stuff's been happening." Sting asked his husband. (Where did all this yaoi come from???)

"I don't know, it's really dangerous over there, didn't that one girl get killed?" Sai replied, looking worried.

"No, she shot herself with Yzak's Lucky Thirteen Sniper Rifle, and if you ask me, she's probably better off dead. Who shoots themselves with a Sniper Rifle!?" Sting replied and shook his head.

"I still think they should all be put in the Insane Asylum…or jail…they're all crazy!" Sai exclaimed, remembering their last visit to the demented neighborhood…

Sting watched his husband shudder at the gruesome memories and shrugged, grabbing his coat.

"Come on, you chicken, live a little! These cats are wild and know how to have some fun!" he said and practically dragged Sai out of the door.

* * *

As they were driving a cab going about 30 mph over the speed limit swerved around them, jostling the passenger in the backseat.

"Jeez, he's in a hurry. Poor chick." Sting mumbled as he drove.

"Hey, wasn't that Auel's cab?" Sai asked.

"Oh yeah, that was! I'd never mistake that hair!" Sting replied.

"You mean like the time you totally attacked that poor man because you thought he was your 'brother'?" Sai asked, referring to when Sting saw Athrun at the mall and mistook him for Auel…maybe he should borrow Sai's glasses…

"Oh, yeah, forgot about that, eh heh." Sting replied with a sheepish expression.

Sai rolled his eyes and muttered, "Whatever."

"_There are reports of a bad accident on Voltaire Avenue, involving an eighteen wheeler, a Hummer, Toyota Corolla, Mercedes-Benz, and Suzuki motorcycle. There is a detour on Archangel Road that should lead be safe." _The voice on the radio said.

"Huh, wonder how that happened." Sting asked himself as they came upon the street.

"_There is also another accident where it appears a cab is torn apart in the middle of Dominion Street, but the driver and/or passengers are nowhere to be found." _Another person reported.

"Wow, must be some crazy people on the roads today." Sting said.

"LET ME OUT OF THE CAR! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!" Sai screamed and pulled on the door handle.

"Hehehe, child-lock rules." Sting said as Sai hyperventilated.

* * *

Fortunately for them, they made it to the neighborhood safely and pulled into Auel and Murrue's home.

They got out, Sai looking around worriedly, and Sting rang the doorbell.

Murrue answered and blushed, giggling like a school girl. "Oh, his Sting and Sai."

"Sting! Thanks for coming; you just saved my life man! This chick's crazy!" Auel exclaimed as he ran up and glomped him.

"Really? I kinda like crazy chicks." Sting replied in a smoky voice and gave Murrue a sly grin.

"Yes well you like _me_ better." Sai replied possessively, still looking around for signs of danger. He saw a fancy looking car pull up to Dearka's house and saw Gilbert Durandal get out, walking up the driveway.

"Uh, right." Sting answered, sweatdropping.

They all stood at the doorway for a few minutes in silence for lack of anything better to do until…

"DEARKA ELSMAN! GET OUT OF THAT BED WITH MY WIFE! I KNEW YOU TWO WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR AND NOW I'VE CAUGHT YOU IN THE ACT! WAHAHA MY EVIL PLAN IS ALMOST COMPLETE! Now where did I put that Lucky Thirteen Sniper Rifle I 'borrowed' from Yzak?" they heard Gilbert Durandal yell from next door.

"Well, wanna come inside? I can make you guys some dinner." Murrue said. The two men shrugged and followed her and Auel inside as Dearka and Talia's screams were heard throughout the neighborhoods.

"_SHE MADE ME! I COULDN'T STOP HER! SHE'S A BEAST I TELL YOU! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" Dearka yelled as he ran around inside the house._

"_DEARKA! YOU LIEING, SNIVELING LITTLE PIECE OF –CRAP-! GIMME THAT GUN GILBERT I'LL KILL HIM MYSELF!!!" Talia shrieked crazily as she grabbed the gun from Gil._

"_Awww, but _I _wanted to kill him!" Gil pouted and sat on the front steps while Talia was chasing Dearka._

"Dude, you have awesome neighbors." Sting said after listening.

"I think we should call the cops, someone could get hurt!" Sai said worriedly.

"Oh shut up you wuss! You're worse than Kira!" Auel complained. And here I drop another anvil on Auel.

"Sting I think we should leave, this is getting violent." Sai said and clung to his lover's arm.

"NO ONE'S LEAVING UNTIL THEY EAT MY SPECIAL DINNER!" Murrue yelled insanely.

"Dude! All the chicks are going crazy!" Sting exclaimed.

"_THERE YOU ARE! WHERE'D YOU PUT MY LUCKY THIRTEEN SNIPER RIFLE YOU CRAZY SON OF A GUN!?" Yzak bellowed when he found Gilbert Durandal._

_All the Former Chairman did was point in the direction where Talia had Dearka cornered against Murrue and Auel's house._

"_GIMME BACK MY LUCKY THRITEEN SNIPER RIFLE WOMAN!" he bellowed again and ran towards them._

"_NEVER! NOT UNTIL THIS BAKA IS DEAD AND EVERYONE WORSHIPS ME!" Talia screamed wildly. Everyone stopped and raised their eyebrows at this and she sighed. "Okay forget the worshipping part, BUT I STILL WANT HIM DEAD!" _

_BAM!_

The bullet blasted through the side of the house, leaving a big gaping hole…

…Right in front of where Murrue was standing raising her insanely ginormous kitchen knife with her "Kiss the Cook" apron on and tall, white Chef's hat.

_Thud!_

And then she fainted.

…………

"YES!" Auel shouted and dragged Murrue into the bedroom. Sting and Sai glanced at each other and shrugged before Sai also fainted and Sting grinned.

"_DARN IT I MISSED!"_

"I love this place…" Sting said as they stood among the chaos.

"That's it! I'm calling the cops! You're all going to jail or the Insane Asylum!!" Sai screamed and took out his cell phone.

"GET HIM!" Talia yelled and they all tackled Sai, crushing his phone and knocking him unconscious.

"Good job guys…now what were we doing?" Dearka asked after everyone high-fived and hugged.

"Uhhh…." Talia asked with a confused expression.

"MY EVIL PLAN MUST BE COMPLETED!!!" Gil yelled and took the gun from Talia and pointed it at Dearka.

Just then, the shrill sound of the sirens swooped down upon them as the cops appeared. (1)

"EVERYONE RUN! IT'S THE PO-POS!!!!"

* * *

**-Author's Note: Yay! That wasn't so hard, now was it? Please review and tell me what you think!**

**1) Alliteration time again!!! I just had to throw it in.-**


	12. Chapter 12: Siegel and Shiho

**Chapter 12: Siegel and Shiho- Making Arresting Crazy People Sound Fun!**

**Disclaimer:**** No ownage. Bleh.**

* * *

"Hey Chief, we've been getting a lot of reports in ORB county. A lot of calls have been coming in with people saying they're hearing screaming and gunshots all the time. Maybe we should go down and check it out." Murdoch told the Chief of Police.

"Yeah, they're about due for a visit. Besides, I suspect foul play with Fllay's death the other day, even though she was asking for it and was too stupid for her own good." He replied.

"Should we send a team?" Murdoch asked.

"We already have a lot of people down at the wrecks, although I'm going out on a limb and assuming it's Auel again, as usual. Might as well arrest him again and take the opportunity to investigate all these disturbances." Siegel Clyne replied and turned to his partner and wife, Shiho H. (not gonna try spelling her name so forget about it)

"Let's go shoot some crazy people, darling." He says.

She smirks and takes out a Bazooka and two machine guns. "Murdoch, get The Tank." She says. Murdoch nods and laughs as he goes to get the War Vehicle of DOOM or in short, The Tank.

"Ah, Shiho, I love it when you get out your Bazooka." Siegel said and sighed all lovey-dovey.

Just then they heard an obnoxious horn playing and walked outside to the parking lot.

"Alright, who installed the annoying horn in _my_ tank?!" Shiho yelled, glaring at Murdoch as he got out.

"I think it was one of the kids down at Destiny Oaks, they probably did it the last time you brought that thing down there." He replied.

"Right, so either it was Athrun, Kira, Shinn, or Yzak…I'll kill them all anyways! Siegel, away!" Shiho yelled and jumped into The Tank, Siegel following quickly behind.

* * *

"MY EVIL PLAN MUST BE COMPLETED!!!" Gil yelled and took the gun from Talia and pointed it at Dearka.

Just then, the shrill sound of the sirens swooped down upon them as the cops appeared. (1)

"EVERYONE RUN! IT'S THE PO-POS!!!!"

"That's right, run you crazy crackheads! Run for your lives! I'LL EAT YOUR BABIES!" Shiho roared dementedly as she drove The Tank towards the crowd of people down the street.

"Ah, she's so beautiful when she threatens people." Siegel sighed again.

"C'mon, let's start shooting." Shiho said and got out of The Tank. Siegel got out after her and watched her train the Bazooka on Gilbert who was running around in circles.

"Wait, aren't we going to investigate before we shoot? I'm pretty interested in how all this came about." Mr. Clyne said and looked over at her daughter's house. "I'd also like to have a word with that Shinn boy before you shoot his brains out as well. Athrun sent me a strange video the other day that I'd like to discuss with them."

"Whatever, I'll round 'em up and interrogate these freaks while you go have your chat." She replied.

"Alrighty then." He said and pulled up his pants before marching over to Lacus and Shinn Asuka's house.

"Alright you freaks, get in a group in front of me, this is Police Involvement, and any of you are Candidates for Arrest. We've been getting calls about disturbances in this neighborhood, and I'm here to Investigate!" Shiho bellowed.

Dearka, Talia, Gilbert, Sting (dragging Sai), Auel (dragging Murrue), and Yzak all trudged toward her, grumbling and glaring at each other.

"Now, who wants to tell me what the crack is happening here?" she asked.

* * *

Meanwhile, Siegel was knocking on Lacus and Shinn's door.

Lacus opened the door an inch, the chain still connected, as she peered out at her father. She gasped and smiled, unhooking the chain and throwing the door open to glomp her father.

"Hi daddy! What a surprise! You should have told us you were coming over!" she exclaimed, still hugging him.

"Who is it? It better not be Athrun or any more Haros or I swear I'll kill you all!!" Shinn screeched from the living room.

"Oh hush, it's just daddy!" lacus told him and dragged the blue and purple Siegel Clyne inside.

"Oh, hey pops. I thought I recognized the thunderous sound of The Tank rolling in." Shinn said, even though the way his mouth moved didn't match with the words.

Siegel started turning white and Lacus poked him. "Daddy? Why won't you say anything?" she asked.

"Because you're strangling him in that Death Grip of yours you crazy, Haro-loving freak!" Shinn yelled at her.

"Oh, oops! Hey, I'm not a freak; you're the one who was running around screaming like a girl while poor, defenseless mechanical balls just wanted to play with you!" Lacus said as she dropped Siegel and he lay gasping on the floor.

"They were trying to kill me! You saw what they did! Athrun is the Devil!" Shinn screamed maniacally.

"Uh, about that." Siegel interrupted when he finally got his breath back. "Athrun sent me an interesting video the other day that I'd like to speak with you about."

"Video? What video?" Shinn asked and looked at Lacus who shrugged and looked to her father.

"Well, it involved you, Shinn, and the Haros. Apparently you were trying to destroy my daughter's birthday present from a very respectable and kind man." Siegel said and glared at Shinn.

"Who, Athrun? HE PUT CAMERAS IN OUR HOUSE! HE MADE THOSE EVIL THINGS ATTACK ME! YOU SHOULD ARREST HIM FOR BEING EVIL! Oh and burn his computer…" Shinn said.

"Nope, I think I'll arrest you instead, since you're probably the one who installed the obnoxious car horn on my wife's favorite Tank." The older man replied and took out handcuffs.

"What!? But that was Athrun or Kira! They're the technical geeks! Lacus! Do something!" Shinn yelled as Siegel chased him around the house.

"You shouldn't have tried to destroy my cute little haros. Besides, why would Athrun put cameras in our house?" she asked.

* * *

"Hehehe, you might be married to her, but I get to see _everything_. WAHAHA!" Athrun laughed evilly as he watched Lacus taking a shower that morning.

"Athrun, why is there a naked Lacus taking a shower on your computer, and why aren't you wearing any pants?" Stellar asked him, mysteriously appearing behind him.

"Ack!" he screamed and fell over, twitching.

* * *

"You mean to tell me that Dearka and Talia were having an affair so Durandal planned to kill Dearka with Yzak's Lucky Thirteen Sniper Rifle that Fllay shot herself with but Talia grabbed the gun and tried to shoot Dearka but missed and shot a hole into Murrue and Auel's house while Murrue was about to make Sting and Sai eat dinner?" Shiho asked after everyone gave her their stories.

"Yeah, pretty much." They replied.

"Hey, you're that crazy cab driver that almost got me killed!" Talia shrieked and pointed at Auel.

"Ah! It's that crazy chick I picked up at the Modeling Agency!" Auel shouted and hid behind Murrue, who had woken up.

"So it _was_ you that caused all those traffic accidents!" Sai yelled and also pointed at Auel.

"I WAS TAKING A SHORTCUT! IT WASN'T MY FAULT OTHER PEOPLE WERE DRIVING AND GETTING IN MY WAY! THAT CRAZY SOCCER MOM MADE ME CRASH!" Auel screamed.

"STOP YELLING IN MY EAR!" Murrue exclaimed.

"Okay, get in the back of The Tank, Auel, as well as Durandal and Talia. Murrue…stop trying to make skinny people fat, if they don't want to eat that's their problem. And Dearka, no more affairs!" Shiho said.

"But I didn't do anything!" Talia and Durandal both shouted. Murrue shrugged and Dearka hung his head and pouted.

"Durandal, you were planning on murdering a coworker while Talia, you Attempted to Murder Dearka, even though you missed horribly and shot a hole through someone's house, which is also Obstruction of Property and Vandalism." Shiho explained.

They grumbled more as they all piled into The Tank.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! I TOOK OUT SIX SHIPS WHILE IN SEED MODE DURING THE BEGINNING OF THE SECOND BLOODY VALENTINE WAR!" Shinn yelled and ran down the street, Siegel following behind.

"Get back here you punk! You married my daughter when I wanted her to marry Athrun!" he shouted.

Shiho sighed and took out a Tranquilizer gun and shot Shinn in the leg. Siegel tackled him and then cuffed him while Shinn flopped around loopily.

"Yzak, I'm also bringing you in for questioning in regards to your late wife's death, since it involved your gun." Shiho told Yzak.

"Well what about the rest of these psychos!? I didn't kill Fllay she was trying to kill me but had the gun pointing the wrong way! Andy was the Priest at the Funeral! He was playing Strip Poker with nuns!" Yzak yelled, managing not to cuss. I applaud you, Yzak (starts clapping).

"I'm getting to the rest of them! Just get in!" she yelled at him and he squeaked and scampered inside the small and overfull Tank.

"Alright, get everyone else out here." Shiho told the ones remaining.

"Uh, can we go since we're not really involved with all this?" Sai asked, not wanting to be around all the crazy people.

"Sure, go ahead, if you are involved we'll find you anyway." Shiho said and he whimpered before running to the car, Sting sighing and walking after him.

Tolle and Nicol came out of their house, and Murrue got Andy and Milly. Siegel threw Shinn into The Tank and went over to Kira and Meyrin's house while Lacus went to Athrun and Stellar's. Shiho walked over to Rau and Cagalli's before going to Rey and Luna's.

Once everyone was gathered Shiho and Siegel began interrogating them.

"So Kira and Meyrin, there was a report from the Happy Hills Mental Institution saying they had to come in and pick up you two." Shiho began.

"Meyrin's the crazy one, I'm the victim! Besides, we were robbed by some punks!" Kira exclaimed.

"I'M NOT CRAZY! TELL ME YOU LOVE ME!" Meyrin screamed and Luna face-palmed.

"I heard that you and Rey went searching for those punks before the Insane Asylum came." Shiho said, ignoring Meyrin.

"Well yeah, but we couldn't find them." Kira replied.

"Rey shot me in the leg!" Athrun yelled and pointed to the blonde.

"You were in my way!" Rey yelled back.

"Rey, in The Tank." Shiho said. Rey growled and scowled before stomping over to the overfilled Tank and climbing in.

"Alright, Milly and Andy, you're next." Siegel said and the couple stepped up.

"She took my coffee!" Andy whined and pointed at Milly.

"You impersonated and Priest and played Strip Poker with nuns!" Milly screeched back at him.

"Andy, you're in The Tank as well, however funny that sounded it was still illegal and immoral." Siegel said and Andy cried while Shiho dragged him to The Tank and threw him in.

"Rau, we've heard that you also did some impersonating. Crazy hobos paying whores? That's an oxymoron!" Siegel yelled.

"You're an oxymoron!" Rau yelled back childishly.

"Aha! Insulting an Officer of the Law! TO THE TANK!" Siegel yelled and Rau tried to run but Shiho shot him with the tranquilizer gun and Cagalli helped her throw him in The Tank.

"Oh thank goodness, you're arresting all these psychos!" Nicol said, clinging to Tolle.

"Yes, and unless you did anything wrong, you can go back inside. We'll make sure they pay for the repairs of your house one way or the other." Shiho told them.

"Phew! Okay, let's go back inside honey!" Tolle said quickly as he dragged Nicol inside their house.

"Alright, Athrun and Stellar, it looks like you're the last ones." Shiho said.

"I don't think Athrun did anything wrong." Siegel said and The Tank started moving around while everyone inside was screaming all the bad things Athrun had done to them:

"HE CREATED THOSE EVIL HAROS AND MADE THEM ATTACK ME! HE ALSO INSTALLED CAMERAS IN MY HOUSE!" (Shinn)

"HE GOT ME PUT IN HERE JUST BECAUSE HE WAS IN FRONT OF A PERFECTLY GOOD MAILBOX I WAS FIXING TO SHOOT!" (Rey)

And so on and so forth, bleh.

"Officers Shiho and Siegel Clyne, Stellar drew this for you." Stellar said and took out her picture she drew to freak them out.

"Athrun has cameras in everyone's house and watches all my friends shower, change, and go potty. He also made lovable haros into evil killing machines and had them attack Shinn-san. Stellar thinks you should confiscate Athrun's computer before he gets the chance to delete everything." She said happily while Athrun gawked at her.

"WHY DO YOU HATE ME!? WHY!?" he screamed as Shiho shoved him into The Tank trying to protect him from the suddenly angry housewives of the neighborhood. When eh was thrown into The Tank there was more movement as everyone tried to attack him.

"Uh, thank you for this…strange drawing…I think." Siegel said, pouting because Athrun is a criminal.

"REY'S GONNA SHOOT ME AGAIN!" Athrun yells from inside The Tank, pressing his face against the window and holding up a "Help Me!" sign.

"NO ONE CARES BECAUSE THIS IS THE END OF THIS FIC SO HA!" I yell back at him.

_Bam!_

"Owww……"

* * *

**-Author's Note: Holy crack that was a long chappy! Well, you read right! This is the end of this fic! However, don't get too depressed because there's going to be a sequel with all new couples and crazier stories! I don't know how soon or how far away it might be, but one day, I shall post a sequel and it shall be called ****Crack Still Killz****! Please review and tell me what you think! Any suggestions, ideas, comments, questions, etc. are always welcome! **

**(1) still awaiting the alliteration challenge winner!**

**Peace out!-**


End file.
